The American economy is collapsing! And we are losing jump rope supremacy to Japan. Rosie O'Donnell was "disappointed" by the way Bill Clinton shafted — lol! — Monica, and a waitress in Iowa was disappointed in Hillary's shitty tip. Does this mean there's hope for Obama? We discuss all this and more after the jump.
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: Hey, guess what happened? Gisele's agent came out and said all that shit about dumping her dollars for Euros was false, she loves the dollar, long live the dollar. And then the Chinese government was all, "We're so happy you feel that way, would you like to trade some of our $1.4 trillion for those Euros you don't want? Thanks! And that's not the only front on which American hegemony is being tested: the Japs are beating us in the double-dutch jump rope wars ack! But hey, for the first time in, like, nine years, there's some good news out of the American auto industry today! Ford is posting a "narrower" loss. Their CEO comes from Boeing, and he's a big student of the Toyota way.
LOBBYIST: I love when losing less money is a cause for hope!
Also, did you see the NYT just realized that people were using the fake equity in their home as an ATM machine?
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: Haha WOW. Reduced home prices "may" slow spending. YA THINK??? That just shows how out-of-touch and elitist they are over there. No one owns property because they all live in New York, and no one has parents fiscally irresponsible enough to have nine mortgages on a single home. LIKE AHEM. Um, also, can we discuss Pat Robertson endorsing Rudy Giuliani, Romney having a 15-point lead in New Hampshire and Rosie O'Donnell blaming Bill Clinton for being a lesbian? Actually, maybe just that last thing...
LOBBYIST: That picture of Rudy and Pat gave me the heebie-jeebies, my God people! Like, I love how the evangelicals are picking the cousin-fucking, wife-divorcing lapsed Catholic over the Mormon guy, meaning that although Catholics and Mormons are both pagans in their worldview, Catholics are, like, less pagan, and I love even more the fact that they're ignoring the Baptist minister guy because they don't think he can win! It's like, yeah, guys, Jesus was all like, blessed be the guy more likely to win, you stupid fuckers, and there's like no way that getting support from evangelicals would help him. It just shows, to me, that they're far more interested in their own political power than any sense of right or wrong or religious whatever (not that I didn't already know that, but, still).
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: All I hope is that poor little Stafford pro-life club kid is watching.
LOBBYIST: I honestly think that people outside the northeast like Giuliani better than people who heard about him all the time as mayor. He really was not well liked before 3,000 people died. That was, like, the best thing to ever happen to his political career
He doesn't care about the poor little aborted fetuses and long as he's still making money and can get the equivalent of Karl Rove on the phone!
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: And that's so true. My friend Steve went on tour with Rudy once for a story, and he could not believe how simultaneously SO POPULAR and OMG SO NOT READY FOR PRIMETIME he was. Personally, I think Giuliani would make for an incredibly entertaining administration. We would have mobsters and pederasts and Conan O' Brien obsessed lunatics descending upon DC, and that woul be 100 times better than now.
LOBBYIST: Well, it would be for snarky writer types like us who wish to mock things, since we know ain't shit gonna get done on real issues no matter what
But, back to the superficial and that ZOMG scary picture, someone needs to tell him to stop rocking the Chertoff look.
And, that make-up cannot make up for being pasty like Dracula.
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: Okay, I don't know the pic you're looking at! But here's something way scarier, re the Conan stalker: When Father Ajemian was ordained in 2001, The Boston Herald said he was a "former Episcopalian who was turned on to religion partly by Federicio Fellini's 1960 film 'La Dolce Vita' "
LOBBYIST: Wait, what? Fellini turns people on to religion?
That's like Rosie saying Bill makes her into a lesbian because he hurt her so bad by getting a rim job.
Well, Conan does have that naughty little Irish boy look, so I guess I can make the whole intellectual connection between getting "turned on" to Catholicism and Conan.
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: And yeah way to segue back to what we had intended to base this entire exchange on! So Rosie did a stand-up show eviscerating Bill back in ninety-whatever, before we had real shit to worry about in this country because Welfare reform hadn't really kicked in yet, and Clinton calls her, has her IN TEARS.
LOBBYIST: I mean, that actually sounds more like Clinton damn near turned her straight.
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: Which reminds me of a time when Monica Lewinsky was the celebrity I most wished would just show up in the papers looking DECENT one day.
LOBBYIST: I mean, didn't everyone on some level sorta feel bad for Monica
Who else has to live down an unfortunate blow job choice for the rest of her life?
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: But every day she would look weirder and weirder, and fatter and fatter, which by the way is a sign of a healthy lifespan until she just disappeared. So number one, what's Monica doing now? Last I'd read she'd gotten a master's at LSE. But really, how does she look?? Number two, isn't it kind of weird that the whole thing, maybe it's me, but throughout the whole thing Rosie felt no empathy for Hillary? I actually DON'T think it's weird, which is why I bring it up of course. There's something there!
LOBBYIST: I mean, that's the thing, isn't it? Not too many people seem to feel that sorry for Hillary over it. It's like they either think she, too, is a lesbian, or they have some sort of accepted if unacknowledged open marriage, or that she doesn't really care because she wants power. I mean, that's sorta unfair. There's no way that can't sting.
I think Monica just dropped off the radar because she wanted to be something other than the girl that blew Clinton (as though she was the only one).
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: True. I mean, I think she didn't think she'd mind that at first, but then she got over it, which is a sign that she GREW UP, which is amazing really when you think about it. Will it ever happen to Britney? The kids of "The Hills"? Anyway, so yeah, it's mean and unfair to not empathize with Hillary, but then your brother who listens to NPR will tip you off to something like this whole mess and you'll think, "Well fuck, it's not just me; why does this have to be my first woman president?" Or whatevs.
God I heart Obama.
And also, didn't Jay-Z endorse him?
Motherfucking LOVE BOMB right here.
LOBBYIST: Um, yeah, I think cover that earlier. People want a woman President because they want her to be different than the other Presidents/politicians, but you don't get to the top of a dung heap like politics without being the kind of person who wallows in shit.
I have to say, I love Michelle Obama. She seems sorta like she's kinda along for the ride and wouldn't necessarily love it if he won, which is kinda what I want the dude who is running to feel
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: But maybe there's still hope!!
LOBBYIST: So audacious!
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: And Michelle Obama is, holy shit, I love her.
LOBBYIST: Sorry, had to make the pun.
SHEWASAJEZEBEL: Yeah, fuck you, and now I can't have the last word. Oh wait!