Rejoice, Slutty Youths: An Instant STD Test Isn't Far Away

If you’re anything like me (MILLENNIAL), then you’re familiar with our litany of monolithic generational traits — we’re all very lazy and entitled. We’d Tase our own mothers in order to get our hands on the newest Apple doodad gadgetamabob. We sext Snapchats to the Kardashians. Teen Mom. Um. Occupy Twilight. Buttsex.

Among our worst traits, according to old people who have projected their own fears of waning social virility onto the country’s newest adults and don’t actually talk to, is our incurable disease-spreading hedonism (sex hedonism). Lucky for our genitalia, one company is developing an affordable, instant STD test that we could take in the comfort and privacy of our own homes… if we even believed in privacy, as a concept.

The company is a start up called Boston Microfluidics and, as Forbes contributor Bill Frezza explains, its proposed home STD test might represent the future of medical innovation. The device would be the size of a toothbrush and be great for kids who are just out for a night of casual sex, explains a hilariously crotchety-sounding Frezza,

Imagine you’re a young Millennial prowling for a hookup. It looks like tonight might be your night. But when the magic moment arrives, instead of reaching into your pocket or purse for a condom you whip out a pair of cheap, disposable multi-function STD testers, part of a six pack you picked up at CVS. Reassured of each other’s status, you and your paramour get back to whatever passes for romance these days with your minds at ease.

Eat your heart out Erica Jong, the zipless age is here.

Imagine you’re a young Millennial prowling for a hookup.

Imagine. Imagine you have once had a conversation with a Millennial. Imagine you know a Millennial. Imagine a Millennial smiles at you on the train instead of looking through you. Imagine you remember being young. Imagine the sort of youth you’d imagine that you’d have if only you were young now. Imagine Erica Jong is a timely, zeitgeisty reference. Imagine you’re a Millennial in 1974.

Following his description of the least realistic Millennial casual sex scenario since Christian Grey deflowered Anastasia Steele (seriously what college girl is named Anastasia?! Reality unsuspended.), Frezza ponders the difficulty of marketing to the fast, loose morals of the sex fiend generation.

These kids are totally unencumbered by the social mores we Baby Boomers grew up with. They appear to have no shame, no sense of privacy, no modesty, and no concern about their reputations. They treat sex like another form of recreation, like videogames only messier. They want to have commitment-free fun, and they want it now. So subtlety has no place when trying to reach them with marketing messages. For example, there is a new web site called The STD Project dedicated to “breaking the stigma” around STDs. I just clicked on it and was greeted with one of their “Happy Hump Day” podcasts.

Someone get this guy some pearls to clutch and a book deal; we need more old people who belong to the generation that fucked the entire world in the face — financially, environmentally — to explain to the generation that has to spend the rest of their lives dealing with the Baby Boomer wreckage why casual sex is a reflection of a lack of morals.

In reality, the group that will most likely benefit from an instant, discrete STD test that can be purchased at CVS won’t be young people at all; it will be the raw dogging Boomers Frezza extolls as the paragons of morality. A study published in a British medical journal last year found that the rate of STI infections had indeed doubled over the last decade … but among people between the ages of 50 and 90. A little outside of the Millennial age range, wouldn’t you say?