Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

Raise Your Hand If You Wish You Were A Black Man!

We may earn a commission from links on this page.

Guess what? Megan is in an airplane today. And technology still hasn't figured out a way to let her IM in heaven, so we have a guest host Crapster today, famous DC blogger and former well-remunerated New Republic staffer Spencer Ackerman, now of the Washington Independent! Watch Spencer and me WATCH ELIOT SPITZER RESIGN. Watch us envy Barack Obama for being lucky enough to get to be born a black man in America! Because only a black man could win only 21% of white Democrats in Mississippi and still manage to win the state! Watch us envy comedian Sinbad for these reasons as well. And Spitzer's replacement, he's black and blind. Like Stevie Wonder! Stevie Wonder would have, like, no career if not for all those special qualities, Spencer agrees. Then watch Spencer ask me out on a date four hours away! Come on in! It'll be fun. Sorta?

MOE: Hey yo are you busy right now? And if so, how busy?
Megan's on a plane and I NEED SOMEONE TO IM.
$PENCER: not so busy that i can't
MOE: SRSLY. I got yr text last night btw but I was too drunk to form words.
It was a good night.
$PENCER: you know i am extremely hungover
so that makes me total crappy hour material
MOE: That makes 2 retards!
$PENCER: woo
i feel like the high school kid who catches a long pass by accident outside football practice when the NFL scout coincidentally walks by!
MOE: What were you doing?? Watching the CLIFFHANGER that was the Mississippi primary?
$PENCER: i was plotting the future of blog-domination with matt yglesias
and going to a wizards-bucks game
MOE: Wow, that's quite an agenda! I went to three separate bars. At the first bar, they declared Mississippi for Obama with only 5% of the precincts reporting. And the 5% of the precincts reporting had gone 51%-47% for Hillary!
$PENCER: yglz used his iPhone to get us updates on the primary
is it true that Obama got like 30 percent of the white vote?
because i'm just not going to google that
MOE: I don't know! Maybe I should consult Memeorandum?
OH yup, it's on the front page of the Journal. He won "a third" of white voters.
and 90% of African Americans.
Geraldine Ferrarro should have it so easy.
$PENCER: i understand that this might not be true, but it seems like the whiter you are and the less educated you are, the more vociferous your distaste for obama
christ my head hurts too much to write a sentence like that.
was that english? was that a point?
OK let's talk about Geraldine Ferraro.
you posted about Samantha Power, and very admirably
She was a political novice, and someone who recognized her bluntness would inevitably get Obama in trouble
and she quit/was pushed out on day one-and-a-half of the story
MOE: I don't know if the distaste itself can be vociferous but my friend ryan was telling me that he was at Dunkin Donuts the other night (in Philadelphia) and an old Italian lady was like "you two! Who are you voting for? John McCain, or the black guy?" And him and his boyfriend were like "um, the black guy!" and the old lady got a spooky look in her eye and said "you know he's a COMMUNIST."
$PENCER: Geraldine Ferraro was a MOTHERFUCKING VP candidate
MOE: I didn't know that!
$PENCER: and she said that black people have it so easy in this country
MOE: Well she's also been a racist for at least twenty years
$PENCER: and she doesn't have to seperate herself from HRC's finance committee or whatever the fuck she does?
you know the piece i want to read
this is my assignment for you
or maybe for your friend jessica valenti out in astoria
go through Ferraro's old Queens district
and track anti-Obama sentiment
see if anyone uses the word "moulignan"
MOE: What does that mean? Like a TUMOR???
$PENCER: seriously, the other day i heard a respectable journalist who i never thought of as a racist refer to obama as "a black."
it was so dissonant — people say that? like he's an adjective?
MOE: Oh man I would just assuming he's being, you know, IRONICALLY racist.
$PENCER: moulignan = italian for eggplant; eggplant = the color of a black dude, at least if you're a charming person
MOE: Ahem
I would just "assume"
$PENCER: she! it was a she!!!
see, the problem with this country, as HRC is demonstrating
is white women
send that hate email now!
MOE: WEIRD. Well we have a column by our anonymous model coming soon about how models' moms feel about Obama and let me tell you the "He worships Allah 50 times a day" meme is not dead out there in the stagemom heartland.
$PENCER: well yglz and i were at the verizon center
and we stood for the pledge of allegiance because liberals love america
MOE: But yeah, the thing about Obama is that, mercifully, the race thing is like a side-plot with him. Whereas with Hillary it seems like EVERY SINGLE CONVERSATION HAS TO BE ABOUT THE META CONVERSATION ABOUT BLAH BLAH BLAH PANTSUITS.
$PENCER: and then we noted that when obama wins, you won't be able to go to a sporting event without the call to prayer kicking it off
yeah can i ask you about that?
what's the case for pantsuits, moe? i need a woman to explain this to me
MOE: So that when we start talking about race with Obama, I'm like, "Wow, race. Now that is actually an interesting and urgent topic!"
$PENCER: i have this ex-gf whose mom always used the word "flattering" to describe her ideal articles of clothing
are pantsuits flattering?
MOE: I think pantsuits are more comfortable. Personally I hate skirts. But no, pantsuits are indisputably unflattering.
$PENCER: so it's comfort — i can understand that
this being the benefits of the patriarchy
i can come to work in jeans every day
and sneakers
not shoes that break my ankles and awkwardly distribute my weight
oh man you know Crass's song "Bata Motel"? I'm totally putting that on
MOE: Yeah i mean, you know, skirts always make you feel weird and exposed and you sit down and then you're like FUCK some perv is probably looking between my legs, why — I can't even tell you FUCK MEN I'M VOTING FOR THE LADY etc. etc.
$PENCER: Mike Lillis, who's next to me in the Washington Independent news room? WATCH THE FUCK OUT, anarcho peace punk ahoy
MOE: OH man you're at, like, an office!
a blogger!
it's not my couch or Mocha Hut anymore!
(peace to Mocha Hut, best coffee shop in DC)
(13th & U St, ask for Eden, she'll hook you up)
but you raise a serious point
which is
in my experience these last two weeks, the Hillary thing has become a minefield
where my women-journalist friends who don't particularly carry a torch for HRC
MOE: So weird. I'm wearing cutoff jean shorts fashioned out of a pair of Gap jeans my sister used to call her "lesbian jeans" and a gray Costco fleece I stole from my dad. And black ankle socks and high top black Chucks. I think I slept in most of these garments. I'm not sure why I'm telling you this. Maybe because the first email I received this morning was from Robert Morrow. ISRAELI INTELLIGENCE RECORDED BILL AND MONICA HAVING PHONE SEX.
$PENCER: react EXTREMELY strongly to any an all remote suggestions of sexism as motivating the hillary campaign
so my question to you: was Samantha's "Monster" comment sexist?
MOE: It's a good tactic, for them. And I didn't read sexism into "monster" at all. "Monster" is a weird word though. I mean, it could be like "macaca" and I have just not given it too much thought before now. But I think of "monster" and I think...Alistair Cookie.
And trucks.
$PENCER: trucks for sure
MOE: I don't get any feminazi vibes from that word.
$PENCER: howard wolfson should have called obama a Funny Car
in response
MOE: LOL. Wait though
We should talk about...
$PENCER: hear that, my friends? Jezebel officially says 'Monster' isn't sexist!!!
MOE: One of his whores, Sienna, is apparently talking to ABC News and I CANNOT FIND A CLIP OR ANYTHING.
$PENCER: she went on camera????
MOE: She is apparently curvy and blond
$PENCER: see what i didn't get from a lot of the coverage
is the $5500 price tag?
MOE: Well that's the weird thing! LIke, why would you talk to ABC News if not on camera? Do they have a website or something?
$5500, yes.
$PENCER: you're not paying that much for the sex, you're paying that much for the discretion
oh man
my boss (my boss!) told me when the story broke to googleimage 'executive VIP' or whatever the fuck the prostitution ring is called
$PENCER: and as you'd expect some very NSFW pictures emerged
$PENCER: and i was like, are you sure we should be searching for this stuff?
MOE: Oooooh ooooooh he's RESIGNING
$PENCER: the rest of the story i will leave out — oh snap!
$PENCER: there we go
Governor Blind Dude!
you know
on a personal note
what feels GREAT about all this is that one of Spitzer's biggest political fans & promoters is the evil editor-in-chief of the New Republic, Marty Peretz
so take THAT, homie! You sure ain't getting that ambassdorship now! How's that Gore presidency working out for ya? And don't front like you ACTUALLY like Obama, it's so obvs that you're starfucking for influence here plus you hate HRC
MOE: Ummmmm hmmmmmmm! I'm not sure how to respond to this. Also MICHAEL KELLY HATES YOU IN HEAVEN ASSHOLE?
Or is that going overboard?
$PENCER: three weeks ago i officially abandoned coffee for red bull and it SHOWS
hahahahahaha LOLMYGOD
a Kelly joke!
i think we should now try to embarrass Mike Crowley as much as possible
hey i can see his Hair Cuttery apartment from my office!
MOE: Nooooooo no no Crowley will kill me noooooo.
so what's yr take on spitzer
whats — yr take on/ whats — yr take on
MOE: He already hates me over this one time I quoted him saying David Plotz dressed nicely bc he liked Fugazi.
$PENCER: oh man i shat all over david plotz on my blog the other day
MOE: But apparently David Plotz DOESN'T like Fugazi.
$PENCER: and plotz actually doesn't deserve it, it was an unfair attack
MOE: Clearly David Plotz was not sufficiently alienated in high school.
$PENCER: he was collateral damage for my real target of lying liar jeffrey goldberg
i think fugazi fans are pretty well adjusted in high school
MOE: I think this is getting somewhat insidery now though!
But yes, Spitzer.
$PENCER: good SATs without the prep course
now, Embrace fans...
anyway yeah spitzer
MOE: Well Bonnie Fuller is claming it's worse on his daughters than it is on Silda. Which is just total bullshit. You teach a woman not to trust men in their teens, maybe they won't have to learn the hard way like mom. Also, Jessica Grose has a theory that Silda got married for like 24 days in college because she was a Southern Baptist who just wanted to fuck. Neither here nor there though.
$PENCER: what, is she a Shiite?
wait i don't understand
why isn't it worse on his daughters? not that it's not awful for silda
aren't his daughters right now learning not to trust men?
MOE: Because they're TEENAGERS. Nothing that doesn't happen directly to you can be that devastating when you're a teenager. And yes! I'm saying that's a valuable lesson that will pay dividends etc.
$PENCER: isn't this direct enough?
ok i think i misunderstood you
MOE: I'm just saying, WORSE FOR SILDA.
$PENCER: ok yes it's MISERABLE for Silda
didn't the NYT report she was pushing for him not to resign?
MOE: Oh did they? Um, that was probably before she knew he spent EIGHTY GRAND OMFG
$PENCER: if so, do you think that's revenge? Like, "No, honey, stay in office. I want you to be hounded by what you did to me until your last motherfucking day as governor. Let's draw this out! Who wants cookies?"
MOE: That's like, half a college education or something!
$PENCER: hahaha
public corruption ahoy!
you know who's another loser in all this? POOR ALAN HEVESI
MOE: Alan Keyes?
$PENCER: poor bastard has a public limosine ferry him from one place to another like 3 times and he's hounded from office
meanwhile spitzer is boning whores with money from the state treasury while saying, 'Alan, this looks bad...'
MOE: Hahaha wow yeah. I mean, I guess we can learn something from this. There is really nothing to goddamn lose in being completely unequivocally self-righteous and morally superior at all times. Spitzer will rebound.
$PENCER: i just realized i typed 'ahoy' 2x in this IM
i never say ahoy in real life btw just saying
Spitzer comeback! Funded by Marty Peretz
MOE: I mean, Sinbad might call you out on it but no one listens to black guys; they have it so goddamn easy in this country
$PENCER: ahahahaha
MOE: So many of them getting a free ride in the nation's prisons.
$PENCER: actually this points to a weakness in obama's support
Sinbad is the only black comedian he can get to publicly support him?
Sinbad needs to be Shwarzenegger's VP when we change the constitution to let immigrants run for president
MOE: Well Dave Chappelle didn't go to Bosnia with Hillary Clinton.
$PENCER: Arnold-Sinbad 2016: Jingling All The Way To Washington
MOE: Yeah after a brief tenure as Charles Barkley's AG in Alabama
$PENCER: the politics of charles barkley would make for a good piece
MOE: So anyway, you know I should be posting this like TEN MINUTES AGO.
MOE: There is still so much to discuss.
$PENCER: the most important thing of all:
are you going to come to DC this weekend to see my band play?
That's right, Jezebel readers: I am asking Moe out on a date ON HER OWN BLOG
though i suppose you could edit that out, but wouldn't THAT be crappy
MOE: Oh your BAND is playing is your excuse? Does your band play Tenacious D covers?
$PENCER: answer the question!
MOE: Megan dated a guy in DC who played strictly tenacious D and flight of the conchords covers.
will our hero make it?
i promise there will be no flight of the conchords
nor the D
i don't acutally think they're very funny
MOE: I am in New York. Maybe? What night? I may come! Or I may not get down there. Every time I go down to DC I get stuck for like the entire week because there's no Wifi in the train.
$PENCER: Saturday
MOE: It's a tough journey to make as a blogger.
$PENCER: cmon it'll be fun
MOE: Saturday is easier.
$PENCER: there's a Chinatown bus that has wifi these days
god you really make a guy feel special
MOE: I know, but it's impossible to find.
You have a CAR.
Easy for you to say.
$PENCER: i rented that!
MOE: oh I can't rent cars.
I don't currently have a drivers license.
I should pay off those fines I guess...
$PENCER: i got a summons when i drove back down to DC the other weekend
reckless endangerment
have a court date in NJ & everything
MOE: Maybe next time I'm in PA for the primary I am going to lose.
$PENCER: all i was doing was speeding
MOE: I love it getting a speeding ticket in Maryland. LIKE YEAH I'LL SEE YOU IN ANNAPOLIS SURE BUDDY
$PENCER: crank dat bench warrant
so, seriously? i'm manning up & asking you out, after you said you were coming to DC anyway, and all I get is a maybe?
tumbleweed tumbles
$PENCER: so fucking what?
it's a bus
MOE: LIKE $250
$PENCER: you nap
t's like $40 roundrip!
MOE: i do not take the bus.
$PENCER: books/magazines/ipods
ohhhhh i see how fancy
MOE: ughhhhhh
$PENCER: it's not like i cost $5500
MOE: I think you don't understand how worthless I am after the blogweek. It is a lot of effort just getting out of my house
$PENCER: live a little
MOE: Wait, hold on. JOHN MCCAIN. Can we discuss John McCain for negative two minutes? LIKE HOW HE'S GOING TO BE PRESIDENT AND NO ONE'S PAYING ATTENTION
$PENCER: there will be a very very good piece coming by Yglesias about what the stakes actually are with McCain
the truest militarist in american politics
now, on his chances, if it turns out to be HRC, then yeah, he wins — the base turns out for him, raises money, blah blah blah
if it's Obama, none of those incentives exist
and since obama's winning in pledged delegates & HRC has to resort to this FL/MI chicanery, it seems like the country can still be spared president mccain
or as a RIGHTWING friend of mine calls him, Senator Tiger Cage
wanna hear the most tasteless joke in DC?
Hey! Everyone who wants to be president! Raise your hand!!!
MOE: ummmm I would laugh at that joke if CHELSEA CLINTON was telling it.
$PENCER: and that's DC
for REAL
don't it make you want to get on an Amtrak
MOE: OMG that was my favorite part of the Spitzer thing. HE DIDN'T EVEN SPLURGE ON THE ACELA.
MOE: $5500
yeah. Leave it to Milbank to notice the literary details
$PENCER: that's what happens when you can't expense it