Queen’s Open Call for House Elf Replacement Is a Great Opportunity for Hufflepuff Grads

Anyone who’s lived in or visited the British Isles is certainly familiar with Mother Fog, who removes each child’s rain-slicked macintosh from their shoulders, serves them a restorative spot of tea, tucks them in at night, and wakes them with the smell of frying kippers and sausages. Yes, anthropomorphized fog can do all of this. Unfortunately, the fog is unable to clean antiques or draw baths for Queen Elizabeth, and because Dumbledore rather churlishly freed all the Queen’s house elves after he was reportedly turned down for a royal commission in the British Virgin Isles, the Queen is searching for a housekeeping assistant.

According to the Telegraph, such an assistant will have to work 40 hours a week, probably see some member of the Royal Family in the semi-nude, clean pretty much everything, be nice, and, most importantly, be really servile. A good housekeeper for the British Royal should really remind the Queen of the good old days when her predecessors wielded real power and carried weapons around all the time. The application deadline is fast-approaching — by October 26th, the Queen will have found a new Housekeeping Assistant, which means that, for all the House of Hufflepuff alumni, it’s your chance to serve the Queen and be useful, instead of immediately disappearing into the undistinguished scenery of J.K. Rowling’s imagination. All of those Hufflepuff grads fretting about what to do with all the student debt they incurred getting what critics agree is a largely useless degree in Huffpufflery can now all aspire to clean old stuff and make sure the Queen doesn’t scald herself in the tub.