Queen of England Seeks a Maid

HELP WANTED. SERIOUS INQUIRIES ONLY.

Aging monarch seeks a Royal Apprentice to the Keeper of the Palace of Holyroodhouse.

JOB DESCRIPTION:

• You will troll the halls of Her Royal Majesty’s official #1 favorite dwelling in Scotland (suck it, Balmoral Castle!), like a well-mannered and crisply dressed Roomba. Upon the back, in place of a cat in a shark costume, you will bear the dignified weight of centuries of monarchy.
• You will gleefully dust a slew of historical objects and Her Royal Highness will throw pennies (£12,000/year) at your feet.
• Aptitude at scheming darkly in the kitchen while smoking loosely-rolled cigarettes is a plus, but not necessarily a requirement.

PERSON SPECIFICATION

You must:

• Love looking at, cleaning, and rubbing old teapots so much.
• Possess a meticulous work ethic and a close attention to detail.
• Never, under any circumstances, gaze into a mirror and intone “Pippa” thrice.
• Cry on command whenever a visitor to the palace sings a mournful highlands ballad.
• NEVER EVEN UTTER THE WORD ‘REHEATED’AROUND A CORGI IN GENERAL. NOT JUST THE QUEEN’S CORGIS. ANY CORGI.
• Look good in hats.

The application closing date is 21 August, my sweet little peasants.

[H/t: Salon]
Image via Getty.