Purity Ring 3000 Will Keep You Chaste Using Lasers and Shame

Abstinence-only educators' days are numbered. Meet the Purity Ring 3000, a device so advanced, so adept at keep your mind clean and your hymen intact, you'll never need another shaming from an actual flesh and blood human again.

Purity Ring 3000 will detect the smell of pheromones and release a fart smell into the air (or maybe it's not a fart smell, but the kids in the commercial were making fart smell faces). It will use a laser to shoot the "nearest fuzzy animal" if you touch someone. And it will project an image of your mom making a disapproving face at you if you ever try to hook up. It's certainly no Purity Bear, but it would be hard to say that Purity Ring 3000 doesn't get the job done.


Watch out, Catholic guilt. You're about to be rendered obsolete by technology!

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