Illustration for article titled Purity Pledge Wouldve Made GOP Candidates Pinkie-Promise to Abstain From Porn and Adultery

Faced with a very public infidelity scandal involving one of their own, a South Carolina county decided that the best way to prevent future scandals was to force all would-be Republican candidates for office to sign a pledge promising to both balance budgets and keep their genitals in either their pants or their wives (or, for the ladies: on their husbands). Candidates would be further vetted before a committee assigned to assess the seriousness of their commitment to Sparkle Motion. Unfortunately, that's technically illegal.


Last week, Laurens County, South Carolina GOP officials approved the plan to subject candidates to a morality vetting process, a response to a lawsuit alleging to the Republican sheriff's very public affair with a subordinate followed by a drive to an abortion clinic in a very taxpayer funded county vehicle. Under the plan, you see, the philandering lawman would be barred from running for re-election as a Republican and thus his sin could be purged from their ranks.

The proposed rule would have required all candidates in the conservative county hoping to run for office with the GOP's blessing to sign a 28-point pledge. According to the AP, the pledge involved some fairly standard party platform-type stuff — like opposing gun control and abortion — but then headed toward Bachmannville when it started extolling the virtues of marriage as an important component of society. And then veered into Santorum City when it emphasized that GOP candidates in Laurens County, South Carolina are not to watch pornography or have extramarital sex. And then a pinch of McCarthy was added by requiring all GOP hopefuls to be vetted by a committee. Anyone who has, or has ever, watched a Jenna Jameson film is committing a mortal sin against the elephant-god.


State lawmakers quashed their puritanical hopes when they informed Laurens County officials that the plan was probably against the law. Additionally, the rule would have probably barred hat trick wifer Newt Gingrich, as he's publicly admitted to adultery. Better luck next time.

On the plus side, at least this purity pledge would have been subjected to both men and women. And it's good to see that the GOP's strongly pro-fun control platform still thrives in South Carolina.

SC county wants GOP hopefuls to sign purity pledge [AP]

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