The charming gentledudes-about-town in Reddit's Men's Rights Community have been feverishly running around in their little hamster wheel brains for the last few days in an attempt to help a message board member solve his urgent problem with his girlfriend. You see, it seems this man's dating one of those baby crazed sperm stealing ladies that are constantly rifling through discarded condoms in an attempt to impregnate themselves against their male sex partners' wishes. And, one day, as this spermburgler was making her way out the door clutching a condom teeming with lil' swimmers, this guy, uh, punched her in the stomach. Even though the post seemed fake as hell, community members responded with concern — and some helpful if not disturbing suggestions.
The post itself told a sad, scary tale that's destined to be urban legend fodder for men's rights activists for years aven though it smells to high heaven like bullshit. The poster, using the totally legit-sounding handle "ineedhelp1234," said that he and his girlfriend were both 21-year-old college students who had been dating for 5 months. She reportedly wanted children, like, immediately, and even secretly stopped taking birth control pills without telling her boyfriend in an attempt to get herself accidentally on purpose pregnant (which is the first odd thing about the story, since I've never once met a 21-year-old college girl who has been just dying to be pumped full of babyjuice, but I digress). Anyway, one day the two lovebirds got to fucking, and ineedhelp1234 went to the bathroom to discard the condom like a responsible person who is dating a woman he's afraid might steal his sperm. After that, she went to the bathroom, and when she exited, he saw that she was clutching the used condom in her hand, poised to flee to her Insemination Lair rather than do the sensible thing and sperminate herself within the privacy of the closed bathroom (I thought every frothing baby hound knew that the fresher the sperm, the more likely it is to successfully enslave a man into a life of unwilling fatherhood. Duh). When he confronted her, he says she started going on about how she was "finally going to get the baby (she) deserve(s)!" And then she tried to run away, but her boyfriend followed her and then punched her in the stomach as she tried to run out of the house. She then began calling INH1234 and telling him that unless he has sex with her without a condom, she was going to tell the cops! And now what?!
But rather than spot the multiple non sequiturs in the story (Why take the condom home? If she went to the bathroom right after sex and the confrontation took place after she exited the bathroom, then when did she get dressed? Did she try to run out of the house naked? Did they bone while she was fully clothed? How did they go from having sex to shouting about having a baby?), the deep thinkers of the Men's Rights subreddit took the post as the gospel truth, urging the man to cut off contact with the girl, take out a restraining order, get a lawyer, save all of her crazy "I DESERVE A BEHBEHHH!!!" texts. Others took a decidedly more creepy route. One informed the poster that it's nearly impossible to bruise someone by punching in the stomach, so she probably has no evidence. (Note to self: next time you punch your girlfriend, aim for the stomach!) Another said that the punch was totally justified, since he was "about to be enslaved for 18 years."
Where does this legend of the sperm swiping madwoman come from? And why won't it die? Why are men's rights activists so willing to believe that in a world practically dripping with sperm, women specifically want theirs so they can be pregnant and possibly farty for 9 months, stretch their skin out, and go through childbirth in order to control the men in their lives? Don't flatter yourselves, dudes. If a woman wants to be pregnant, she doesn't need to steal sperm — she can just head to a sperm bank or a local bar full of drunk irresponsible barebacking-a-stranger types.
The original poster updated his post to respond to some of the suggestions, and his last update reads,
Women have too much power in the legal system, and ordinary people like me have no one to protect them. I'm thinking the best option is to string her along until her bruise heals then dump her. If I call/meet with her I'll be sure to record it or have witnesses. I just need to do anything I can to stop her from pressing charges and I need to avoid having sex with her, or making sure she doesn't get pregnant. I'm thinking I might buy spermicidal lube if such a thing exists.
Spermicidal lube... if such a thing exists. Spoken like a guy who spends tons of time in the condom aisle.
Liz Jones, you have blood — er, jizz — on your hands.
Image via Taavi Toomasson/Shutterstock