Princeton Alum Tells Female Students They're Doomed Unless They Find a Princeton Prince and Get Their MRS

The Daily Princetonian published a letter to the editor today from alumna Susan A. Patton, who wants “the daughters [she] never had” to know that they’re screwed for life if they don’t snag a Princeton prince by first semester freshman year.

“For most of you, the cornerstone of your future and happiness will be inextricably linked to the man you marry, and you will never again have this concentration of men who are worthy of you.”

If you’re still with us and haven’t thrown yourself into the nearest river, Ophelia-like, because you lack an Ivy Leaguer to make you whole, here’s the backstory: Patton recently attended a Women and Leadership conference on campus featuring a conversation between President Shirley Tilghman and Wilson School professor Anne-Marie Slaughter of “Can We Have It All?” fame. But Patton isn’t actually interested in such trifling matters as “leadership” — and she says female Princetonians aren’t either.

I attended the event with my best friend since our freshman year in 1973. You girls glazed over at preliminary comments about our professional accomplishments and the importance of networking. Then the conversation shifted in tone and interest level when one of you asked how have Kendall and I sustained a friendship for 40 years. You asked if we were ever jealous of each other. You asked about the value of our friendship, about our husbands and children. Clearly, you don’t want any more career advice. At your core, you know that there are other things that you need that nobody is addressing. A lifelong friend is one of them. Finding the right man to marry is another.

So here’s what you really need to know: “Here’s what nobody is telling you: Find a husband on campus before you graduate. Yes, I went there.”

Ideally, his last name should be Patton. Her two sons are both Princetonians; one already married a classmate of his, although he “could have married anyone,” but, lucky for Princeton ladies, her younger son is still a junior — catch him while you can! — although “the universe of women he can marry is limitless,” as he is a man who aced his SATs.

Here’s some more real talk that “nobody is talking about” (which is clearly not because nobody wants to perpetuate creaky, unnecessary “Mrs. Degree” fear-mongering):

Here is another truth that you know, but nobody is talking about. As freshman women, you have four classes of men to choose from. Every year, you lose the men in the senior class, and you become older than the class of incoming freshman men. So, by the time you are a senior, you basically have only the men in your own class to choose from, and frankly, they now have four classes of women to choose from. Maybe you should have been a little nicer to these guys when you were freshmen?

Why would the Daily Princetonian publish such inanity? The main issues with this piece are obvious and barely worth pointing out (quickly: not everyone wants to get married, not everyone wants to get married to an older man, etc.), but it’s an even odder choice given the paper’s recent scoop on an unpublished study that found one in six female Princeton undergraduates said they experienced “non-consensual vaginal penetration” during their time at the University. Point being: one is not necessarily an eligible mate just because he got into Princeton. Patton could’ve saved herself a lot of time and energy by simply writing “Fuck my youngest son while you have the chance!”