Princess Is Just Another Word For Loser, And Other Lessons Pageant Moms Teach

On last night’s episode of Toddlers & Tiaras, we met Kelly, whose 23-month-old daughter Natalie was competing in some random pageant inside of a drab hotel room (seriously, the venues always look like sad sets from an Eastern Block film). Natalie screamed and cried while she was being dressed, screamed and cried while she was having her hair done, and generally seemed rather spoiled. But it was clear that bad behavior ran in the family: Kelly threw a tantrum when her child was crowned “Princess” in her division. “Princess means that you’re a loser,” Kelly declared. (Does Disney know about this?) This particular pageant had announced that they were awarding Princess titles in addition to Supreme titles — meaning that just because you’re crowned Princess doesn’t mean you won’t be Ultimate Queen Grand Wizard Royal Nacho Supreme Burrito or whatever. However! Kelly wasn’t listening when the announcement was made. Hence the drama queen scene. The lesson she is teaching her daughter is that if you don’t get what you want, you should curse and scream and throw things, which is almost certainly the best possible way to raise a responsible, generous, caring citizen of Earth. Anyway! In the end, Natalie did indeed win Novice Chalupa Supreme Queen, and Kelly got the giant crown she wanted.

Here is Natalie’s award-winning performance. Her mom said, “She’s perfect.”

We also met Cadence, a little girl trapped in a sad dynamic: She was incredibly desperate to please her grandmother, but her grandmother was an anal, military-precision perfectionist type who will never truly be pleased. This may come up later in a shrink’s office.