Practice Eating Pussy by Licking Your Phone's Filthy Screen

As Superbad star and Oscar nominee Jonah Hill once said in one of his most criminally underrated performances: You don’t want girls to think you suck dick at fucking pussy. You probably don’t want them to think you’re bad at eating it, either. Problem is, for people who have never attempted performing oral sex on a woman before, the vagina is a mysterious and scary foldy cave, and on the first several attempts, cunnilingus is a terrifying spelunking journey into the unknown. Until now.

Meet the Lick app, a doodad for curious youths (or inexperienced non-youths) interested in practicing the fine art of snatchlicking before they’re actually face down between a woman’s legs. Look! Here’s a sort of uncomfortable-making screen shot!

Luckily (lickily!!! LOLOLOL god! Wordplay!) the app doesn’t force users to lovingly tonguebathe an uncanny valley image of a vagina, nor does it require users to download a darn thing. Instead, smartphone owners visit the app’s website and participate in a series of exercises where they perform a series of tasks that require gentle but firm repetitive motion to complete — flicking a light switch, sharpening a pencil, or bouncing a beach ball around. The “challenge” comes in trying to complete the most repetitions over a short period of time.

The “challenge” also comes from licking your damn phone screen and not catching one of the host of illnesses that could reside there. Or, you know, not accidentally swallowing fecal particles, because if you’re practicing cunnilingus on a phone, you probably also take your phone into the bathroom. Stop that.

I can’t complain about an app that promises to make people better at oral sex. Oral sex is pretty much the best. But I’m not sure Lick will teach anyone any valuable skills. The pencil sharpening challenge, for example, requires players to make circles with their tongues that are way too large for the sort of localized activity necessary for sufficient clitoral stimulation. It just teaches people how to quickly draw big circles around the part of the vag they should be licking. And the beach ball challenge teaches people to just randomly stab their tongues all over the surface area of whatever it is they’re trying to bring to orgasm. Maybe that works on some people. I am not one of those people.

In short, this isn’t an app for actual sex practice. This app is for bored teens on the subway who are trying to show off to each other. If you really want to practice oral, why not rely on the old reliable tongue strengthening exercises like unwrapping a Starburst with your tongue or removing seeds from slices of watermelon without using your hands? There’s no need to drag your iPhone into this.

Important addendum: as much fun as I had with BroApp, I will not be trying Lick on my friend and coworker Kate Dries.