Introducing Pornkins, the pumpkin carving kit that aims to turn your jack-o’-lanterns into jack-off lanterns, or something. Basically, they’re disgusting.

Let me count the ways:

1. Totally heteronormative except for one silhouette of girl-on-girl action. Whoever created these are idiots because they would’ve sold like hot cakes in all the kitsch stores in San Francisco’s Castro district. Fucking idiots.

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2. These silhouettes are WAY too intricate and delicate, have these fuckers ever worked with a real pumpkin? Highly doubtful, and I’d like to see some images of pornkins that aren’t graphics or photoshopped fake pumpkins sorry pornkins.

3. If you were able to make the pornkin, exactly what neighborhood could you display it in? The alternate present in Back to the Future 2 where Biff owns HIll Valley and Marty’s mom? Okay, sure, then you can put this pumpkin out. Anywhere else? Not appropriate.

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4. It costs $20 for a few poorly designed stickers — even for a novelty gift that your friend doesn’t want TAKE IT BACK, it’s a gross amount of money.

5. According to their website, this is how pornkins came to be:

Like many strong notions that were pursued by ambitious individuals and transformed into grand products which some consider as definitive of a generation, the idea for Pornkins was spawned in a college dorm room, via an email nonetheless. As a novel idea that received a few high fives and laughs from several friends, the visual of lewd images carved on a pumpkin seemed to spark a sort of vigor and enthusiasm to an otherwise normal social gathering [Ed.: ?!?!?!]. Providing topics for conversation, props for physical comedy [Ed.: ?!?!?!?!], and erotic art [Ed.:?!?!?!] that stimulated males and females alike, these carved graphics, that were once thought to be suitable only for Halloween, started breaking the mold and finding life in many a setting at different times of the year [Ed.: ?!?!?!] Perhaps this was more than just a good idea.

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Please tell me this is some sort of performance art. It is, right? Andrew WK, you in there?

6. Nothing will ever beat a classic jack-o’-lantern with triangle eyes and one tooth and if you’re going for a laugh, it’s funniest just to make boobs. Everyone knows that, and you don’t need a fucking kit to carve a pair of sturdy world-class knockers.

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7. I’m not drunk enough for this shit and I’ve got some Halloween grog to get into it. Pornkins, you will not ruin my holiday buzz and I’ll see you in hell! (“Hell” is the theme of the haunted house I’m going to tonight but I actually hope I don’t see those fools, I shouldn’t have said that.)