Poor Robert Stewart. He was just minding his own business, fucking his 16-year-old bicycle in the privacy of his hostel room, when two cleaning women walked in and called the cops. Stewart said that alcohol drove him to bike-banging, and his lawyer called him a "sad little man" Aw. Robert was sentenced to a "sexual breach of the peace" and is on probation for the next 3 years. [Telegraph]

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@HeatherNumber1: Yeah, that is so much less about the shexy naughty little bicycle and so much more about some asshole wanting to shock a couple of cleaning women — as if they don't have enough stupidity to cope with in their lives just mopping up after losers like him.