Playboy's New Porn-Free Website Is Pointless, Awful

Playboy Enterprises has launched a new, safe for work website called TheSmokingJacket.com. Hef calls it “the best hangout on the planet.” It is, without a doubt, the lamest website we’ve seen since Tucker Max was unleashed on the world.

Not that it really has that much in common with Tucker Max – except, of course, the intended audience. TheSmokingJacket.com was created to reach men 25-34 years old when they’re most likely to be browsing the information superhighway. “A lot of our audience logs on (to Playboy.com) after work and we saw that we were missing a golden opportunity to reach guys when they’re online the most: when they’re sitting at their desk, not working, sending e-mails to their friends,” said Jimmy Jellinek, Playboy’s editorial director. However, Jellinek does not address the glaring issue here: these men aren’t logging onto Playboy after 5 p.m. for the articles. And as for what they’re doing, well, that’s not something they’re really encouraged to do at their desks, if you get my drift.

But Playboy apparently saw a huge, gaping hole in the market (since there are so few sites that address young men in a “decidedly un-serious” tone) and decided to fill it with their throbbing ~~manhood~~ train-wreck of a site. Jallinek imagines the site as “basically a juke box of cool.” “It’s all about social currency,” Jellinek said. “You can be the coolest guy among your friends if you’re the first person to circulate this information among them.”

So what is the coolest guy around reading at his desk? “Sexy Articles, Sex News, Hot Videos, Celebrity Gossip, Lifestyles, Funny Videos, and Dating Advice,” reads the overly-long tag line (we like to think ours is much snappier). Rather than parse through every single item, we’ve decided to re-title a few of their top stories.

7 Signs That You’ve Given Up On Getting Laid
This is better termed You’re Too Poor To Have Sex. Because we bitches only want a man with a sweet ride and perfect teeth.

Brian Austin Green: Lucky Bastard
Or A Phenomenally Lazy Rehashing Of A Celebrity Relationship: Megan Fox Edition. Green is deemed a “mediocre man,” while Fox, while hot, has “toe thumbs.”

1983 Playmate Playoffs
This one is obvious: Obnoxious Reminder You Can’t Watch Porn At Work. Republishing old material: always cool, always classy. Way to go, Hef.

How To Get Laid At The Office
This is by far the most nonsensical piece on the site. It’s also not really about getting laid. When it comes down to it, this should really be called How To Have An Ill-Advised Fling With A Co-Worker.

In case you’re worried that Playboy has strayed too far from their porn-y roots, here is a video called "A Day in the Life of My Boobs." Saddest thing about this? "Party Girl" correspondent Suzy McCoppin actually seems like she could be funny – if she did something other than record herself splashing water onto her breasts.

Ultimately, our question is just why? The Smoking Jacket brings absolutely nothing new to the table (even it’s format looks oddly familiar). Though I’m admittedly not their target audience, spending a half an hour on the site was the most tedious thing I’ve done all week – and I plucked my eyebrows yesterday, so this is saying a lot. Weirdly, it’s far, far more mindless than the magazine, which, while filled with naked women, has also published short stories by Nabokov and Margaret Atwood. TheSmokingJacket aims to be "cool," but by cashing in on the bro-tastic trend of yesteryear, it painfully misses the mark.