Pimp My Vadge: A Woman's Opinion

Sometime around the year 2002 plastic surgery started getting ridiculous. As if there wasn't enough pressure on women to look like hairless, hipless eunuchs with breasts, we started seeing advertisements in the back of our favorite magazines touting a new procedure called "vaginoplasty". Often, these ads touted something called "labiaplasty" in their copy as well — and it didn't take master Sudoku skills to figure out what that meant. For the second installment of our "Pimp My Vadge" series, we sent our friend Slut Machine (link NSFW) undercover to get a different opinion — a woman's, that is — about about the relative "merits" of her vagina. Click play to hear the audio from her visit, then read her reactions after the jump.

Last week, when I got a labiaplasty consultation, I had a man doctor look at my lady parts. While he told me that my vadge didn't look "that bad" (thanks?) my labia majora could still be improved upon. He recommended vaginal lip lipo, saying that it was unlikely I would ever lose the labia fat through diet and exercise because I'm not "grossly overweight" (This guy really knows how to give a girl a compliment.)

For my second opinion, I made an appointment with a woman doctor. I'd been tipped off that this doc had hired a PR firm to handle the cosmetic surgery portion of her practice. The reasons behind why a gynecologist would need to publicize such procedures seemed questionable to me. But I couldn't help but think that since this gyno was a woman, she couldn't possibly be on board for making money by allowing women to feel inadequate and self-conscious about yet another part of their bodies.

I have to say that I really liked this doctor right off the bat, which I hadn't been expecting. In her billowing, multi-layered, long black skirt, she reminded me of Stevie Nicks, and that sort of organic, mystical grace comforted me much more than the typical, cold, clinical experience of being examined.


For this visit, instead of making up some bogus excuse as to why I was displeased with my very normal labia, I decided to just let Dr. Blank, Medicine Woman take a look a my crotch and tell me what she thought of it.

I placed my feet in the stirrups. With my lips parted, I kept my mouth shut and let her go to work. To my pleasant surprise, she was way honest with me about how there wasn't much she could do, and she also informed me of some very crucial info that the dude doctor failed to relay, regarding damaging the nerves of my clit (aka my livelihood!), should I go through with any surgery to my labia majora.

You know, I thought that first doctor's idea of lip lipo sounded sort of insane. I watch Discovery Health Channel. Lipo is a violent procedure. I imagine it would ransack your property downtown. I feel for any girl who would be misguided enough to go down that route. I mean, I really feel for her. Just thinking about that shit gives me phantom pains.

Earlier: Pimp My Vadge
We're Beginning To Look A Lot Like Barbie

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I believe I am officially old, because this sounds completely incomprehensible and asinine to me. I'm adding it to the list of things that would instantly make me lose respect for a person.