Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth
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Sex. Celebrity. Politics. With Teeth

"People Move On To Coke, Starting At About Fifteen. It's At Every Party We Go To."

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"This," says Chloe, sitting on a mahogany bench and looking around the expansive marble and brass-accented lobby, "this is how we live." That's the last line of "Drinking Diaries," a story in next month's Teen Vogue, in which Eva Chen goes drinking with high schoolers in San Francisco and New York and, well, I would say she compares them, but that would make it sound more service-y than it actually is. It's hard to say exactly how much they drink, but she makes it sound like a lot. In San Francisco, for instance, she goes to a Japanese place with what seem to be five kids who order "eleven 40-ounce bottles of Japanese beer and eleven bottles of hot sake" — and you're like, "For reals, the Japanese make forties?" — but whatevs, that's nothing compared to what happens back in New York the night she gets a text-message from "Chloe"

"My friend, "Audrey", if visiting from boarding school," it reads. "And when she's here, Things Happen.

Holy mother dude, again, really? Capital-T-Things, capital H Happen?

Oh, and if you were wondering, Chloe, who is 16, wears skinny jeans, leopard print Tory Burch flats and a ruffled Juicy Couture peacoat while Audrey, who is 17, wears a Pucci-print tunic with Chanel boots.

"Audrey passed out on the beach, and a friend buried her up to her head. But then the tide came in! She woke up, and water was in her face. Audrey, you could've died!"

Audrey laughs. Chloe smiles and says, "Whatever, I've been worse. The drunkest I've ever been, I passed out in a cab, and I don't remember anything from that night. I think everything was fine but I just can't remember!

The girls flag down a waiter, who asks to see their IDs. Audrey shows her fake and Chloe says, authoritatively, "I just talked to your manager. He says we're fine." The waiter takes their order. It's their fourth drink of the night—they were at a pre-party earlier. "Girls can get away with anything," pronounces Chloe. Adds Audrey, "It's funny—we're both obsessed with the show Gossip Girl. "Seriously, we're the real-life Gossip Girls—but who really goes to the New York Palace Hotel to drink?"


So anyway, Chloe turns out to be a big liar because nothing really happens except they go to some hotel and get drunker and talk about doing drugs but don't really do any, though Audrey promises she usually does coke which is where that quote in the headline came from. And that would make sense because Audrey can't really handle drinking as much without coke, so she stumbles around and gets kicked out of a cab and needs to find another cab. Oh yeah, and that paragraph where the magazine gets all "So here are the risks of drinking and why you should probably try to do it in moderation and try and have a good time with two or three beers because your tolerance has nowhere to go but up, kids"? Yeah, there is none! Huh. All right then.