Happy Monday! There's some pointless gathering happening in the Middle east, and more tainted goods — all-natural tainted goods this time! — from China, and more gigantic profits at Goldman Sachs, and yeah yeah yeah a very special report on FREAK DANCING. Megan and I discuss it all, and how desperate we'd have to be to freak Bernie Kerik, after the jump.
MOE: Whoopi Goldberg's great great great grandparents got their forty acres though maybe not a mule. Gaza kind of sucks even with all the Jews gone. And teenagers in Argyle, Texas are engaging in this disturbing new dance trend called "freak dancing." According to an eyewitness, the dancing features "pelvis-to-pelvis physical contact in the private areas" and is "just dadgum nasty."
MOE: Oh yeah and another Bushie resigned.
As my friend Lindsay would say, Neil LaBute still hates women...
MEGAN: Wait, didn't you do an article about how that's been around since the dawn of time?
In which I had to cop to having no idea about it as a high schooler?
Also, didn't you know, Goldman Sachs guys were really smart to dump their mortgage portfolios before everything went to hell.
MOE: Yes! What's even more hilarious, is that this isn't the Journal's first colossally outdated investigation of freak dancing as the harbinger of the death of the school dance. Not weeks ago "Getting Going" columnist Jeffrey Zaslow, who just sold a huge book, wrote about this selfsame subject, albeit in a more personal, touching way. And yeah, Goldman made a pact with the devil, or they are paying attention, or SOMETHING. Either way someone there knows what they're doing!
But they're known for being "secretive," perhaps that's why the Journal is focusing its efforts on the freak-dancing beat?
MEGAN: Well, plus, isn't Murdoch all up in there? The man knows how to get people to pay attention to the news: show nubile young women.
pretty soon, the WSJ will be like mags in Europe with naked chicks on the cover! Or maybe just like Maxim.
MOE: I know, it's sad. Thank god we have an alternative in the New York Times! Which knows that adding "calculus" or "industrial complex" to a story will make us readers feel less like we are being "talked down" to.
MEGAN: Am I allowed to love that every time they use that phrase the story is like the most-emailed story? I think it's less that they are trying to condescend to their readers and more that they know their readers like to feel superior by reading the big words.
MOE: Did you read Frank Rich's rundown of the Judith Regan Giuliani Kerik story? I somehow missed the part where Bernie Kerik set up Regan in a "love nest" adjacent to Ground Zero that had originally been set aside for rescue workers? And then wrote in his acknowledgements there was "one hero who is missing" from his book's tribute to "courage and honor" and "her name is Judith Regan." Awww!
MEGAN: I actually did hear about that! I love the mental image of him banding her over in front of the big picture window and nailing her as the firefighters and police officers desperately search for bodies in the smoking rubble and get lung disease.
Also: it would take a damn strong stomach to fuck Kerik. I'm just saying.
MOE: I love the image of them freak dancing as foreplay.
But the Wall Street Journal didn't notice it then because they were evacuated from their building.
Anyway remember how people supposedly "clung" to one another in the face of the tragedy? I mean, I cannot think of two people better suited to cling to one another and LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE...
MEGAN: Them and everyone else, right? What with the smoking rubble and all.
Sent at 9:54 AM on Monday
MEGAN:bartenders in Nevada are finding ways to get around the ban.
Also, they sort of have to because Nevada, obviously, exempted the casinos from compliance.
MOE: Because what the world needs now is another "What happens in..." reference?