Patti Stanger, Film Critic, Rants About Porn in Her Don Jon Review

There you were, idly scrolling through your news feed deciding whether or not to sneak into your local cineplex tonight with a bottle of warm Moscato when BOOM, you noticed that Patti Stanger, matchmaker and recreational mean person, reviewed Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s new movie, Don Jon. And, awestruck, you whispered to yourself, “This is why the internet exists, yea and verily.”

Patti Stanger’s review of Don Jon really isn’t so much a review as it is an opportunity for Patti Stanger to offer romance advice. Do you have a porn addiction? A vibrator addiction? These are real things that Patti Stanger has dealt with. Personally. Patti Stanger is so well-versed in unrealistic relationship expectations that, if she were a character in Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s movie, there wouldn’t even be a movie because Patti Stanger would have all the characters’ problems solved in the first 15 minutes, graciously giving you you some extra time for speed-dating at your local Red Robin.

Unlike more discursive movie critics, movie critic and love professional Patti Stanger isn’t going to waste your time; you’re going to get some real talk right away:

First things first: I loved the movie. I enjoy movies that are told from the perspective of men, because it’s a great way for us women to learn about what goes on inside their strange heads.

Ah, the rare Hollywood movie told from the perspective of a man. It’s a wonder they don’t make more of those. Someone should really get on that because there just isn’t enough phallocentrism at the cinema these days.

Which reminds movie critic Patti Stanger — porn is everywhere, in case you’ve never visited the internet:

But Porn is everywhere. You can turn on the TV and buy it, or go to PornHub, like they do in the movie, and get it for free. And every kid spies on their parents and sees their computer history. Plus, you have porn stars like Jenna Jameson and Sasha Grey going mainstream. Or, you watch Kim Kardashian and Pamela Anderson, and they make a sex tape, and it goes viral, so people think it’s cool on some level. Do I think it’s cool to do porn? It’s a special kind of girl that does porn, and it’s usually somebody that’s had a horrible childhood. But a lot of mainstream girls are using porn to get noticed. Porn is like what Playboy was, where you’d appear on the cover and become pseudo-royalty, and now, if you do porn you’ll get a reality show, like Kim Kardashian. It’s the Paris Hilton blueprint to get yourself noticed. Teen Mom’s Farrah Abraham just did it, and some people are criticizing her for it, and some people are OK with it. It depends on your perception of porn.

Does Patti Stanger think it’s cool to do porn? Well, internet, let Patti Stanger put it this way: porn is for attention-starved women who experienced some awful trauma over the course of their childhood. So, no, Patti Stanger does not think it’s “cool” to do porn. Maybe you do, but you’re wrong and probably a deviant. Like Jon, the character of this movie that Patti Stanger would totally have sex with for the sake of teaching him some life lessons:

To get your skill set back, you should be with an older woman—like Don Jon with Esther (Moore). You go slower, you don’t hit it as quick, and it’s not wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. You learn your repertoire; you learn to hit the g-spot.

But you’re on the internet right now, which means that you’re basically addicted to porn because the internet, as we all know, serves only one purpose:

When you think of it that way, Patti Stanger is kind of doing porn just by writing on the internet. #logicgames