Dear Page Six Magazine,
Up till now I've been critiquing your pages on grounds of exclusive content, originality, your success or lack thereof at beginning a celebrity profile with a scene at a restaurant wherein the celebrity orders a meal with carbohydrates.You and I both know this is a false premise. Page Six Magazine will live and die by the same rules observed by every other magazine and color lifestyle section supplementing print newspapers across the country, which is its ability to convince advertisers women are leisurely flipping through it at brunch Sunday morning, when so many of those critical unplanned buying decisions are made. Your competition is not just the New York Times Sunday Styles Section, but PARADE and the Wall Street Journal's two weekend editions. And anyway, to that end, this week you won, by a long shot. An informal scoreboard, separated according to theme:
Theme: There's a writers strike on. What's the future of non-craptastic television programming?
The New York Times Sunday Styles section: Runs the "strike diary" of a Daily Show writer, who describes picketing as very very very cold cold cold. And...um yes mainly cold.
P6M: Runs a short profile on Bitsie Tulloch, the star of a Youtube show called quarterlife. Oh my god, it is sooooo bad.
WSJ Saturday Journal: Runs a short profile of the Youtube success of a British show called That Mitchell and Webb Look that pokes fun at editors who try to inspire their writers by polluting their brains with retarded ideas.
Score: Tie, SSS and WSJ.
Theme: It's Veterans Day in the U.S. Military's deadliest year in decades.
WSJ: Features a recipe for "kickapoo juice," some sort of weird grappa-grapefruit concoction beloved by WWII vets, and bemoans the scarcity of liquor in today's foreign wars.
NYT SSS: N/A.
Score: WSJ. Would it have been so hard to find a war themed story, guys? You manage to find a different "on the street fashion trend" fifty two months of the year. But okay.
Theme: Are you lucky enough to have a job in this fucking economy?
NYT SSS: runs a story on a self-help guru who teaches people how to ignore stupid work shit. It's another in the "multitask detox" series.
P6M: runs a story on the city's best places to work, perk-wise. Google employees get free ceviche and deep-tissue massage, Engender Health gives free child care and Bloomberg has an on-site nurse practitioner you can visit any time to avoid having to run out to see the doctor for minor health issues. "You get a message 20 minutes later saying, 'Your medicine is here.' It's unbelievable." And also, might we wonder, cost-effective over the long term?
Theme: As Gisele Bundchen's monetary policy statements of last week showed, celebrities are not above heeding the coming recession:
NYT SSS: interviews Crispin Glover on his philosophy on spending: "Later, while enjoying $98 prix fixe menu at Jean Georges, Mr. Glover explained that fine food (along with Czech castles) is one of his few indulgences. Otherwise, he said: "I buy everything on eBay. Suits. Cars. Shaving cream. You can save a lot of money.
P6M: interviews R&B "reigning prince charming" Chris Brown on how he would spend $6 at a bodega: "Ten 25-cent juices, six bags of 25-cent potato chips, a couple honey buns, and save the rest."
Theme: Terrible people get ahead in this town in this town:
NYT SSS: profiles W. Edward Sheetz, a hotel executive for Ian Schrager's company who resigned from his job when a girl half his age was found dead from an oxycodone overdose in his hotel room.
P6M: profiles — and interviews — Mandie "Cunt Face" Erikson.
Score: Who else, P6M.
Theme: Wistful first-person observations of individuals immersed in the "scene."
P6M: From Faran Krentcil's Gossip column: "There's one guy who's stuck to a tabloid princess, and he's giving off a glow, the kind that keeps you snug and smug when you drop a famous last name in conversation. 'Look at him,' grins the artist. 'He's really worked on his social climbing skills. last year he might not have even made it to this party. I wonder if his drugs have gotten better?' She says it sweetly, as if the guy managed to shave time from a five-mile run."
NYT SSS: From the strike diary: "I wear four sweaters on my torso and one wrapped around my head. If I were at work today, what would I be doing? Probably working on a headline about Musharraf. Watching videotape of Bush urging yet another leader to rethink martial law. Ingesting vile amounts of Boo Berry cereal to stimulate the joke-writing process. Do I actually miss that? Yeah, I actually miss that."
Score: P6M. It's a little ridiculous, whereas the strike diary just makes me want to, you know, do that.