I've been studiously ignoring all sides of the Ice Bucket Challenge kerfuffle—if people want to be cold and wet when they donate money to charity, that's fine by me, but let's not pretend like these videos qualify as "entertainment," let alone "comedy"—however, I was intrigued today to come across the "Ice Bucket Challenge Costume." For people who want to be reminded of a mildly irritating cultural flash-in-the-pan ANY DAY OF THE YEAR without actually committing to the already bare-minimum level of commitment required by just dumping some water on your head. A fine use of $39.99!!!
The "Ice Bucket Challenge Costume"—first brought to my attention here and available for sale here—consists of a bucket with a "faux water film" attached, a sort of gauzy tunic made out of fake water with fake ice cubes hot-glue-gunned on there, and a bonus prop ice cube tray, in case your friends and family have trouble remembering what ice is.
But what happens after our national ice bucket obsession fades? What happens on the day when Americans, flush with the glow of the next big thing, finally wake up and wonder, "What the fuck is an ice bucket challenge?" (The scriptures refer to that dark day as "September 4th.") What use was your $39.99 then? WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THIS FUCKING COSTUME THEN?
Well, all is not lost. Here are some ideas for Jezebel's Signature Ice Bucket Challenge Halloween Costume Hacks:
1. Spider Bucket Challenge: Soak the tunic and "faux water" bucket trim in spider pheromones, then leave in the wood pile for a week. Wear. Use ice cube tray to treat throbbing, necrotic bite wounds.
2. World's Worst Bartender: "No, seriously, I got it this time."
3. Drunk Ghost Wearing a Top Hat: Hide in closets and behind curtains moaning about "ghoul-verment hand-outsh." Use ice cube tray to make way too many mint juleps, or whatever a rich drunk ghost would drink (discuss).
4. Drunk Jellyfish Passing Kidney Stones: Drift aimlessly through party in eerie silence. If someone brushes up against you, pepper spray them. Use ice cube tray to make way too many Clamhattans (that's saltwater and gin).
5. Pharrell Covered in Mice: Spray-paint bucket brown. Discard ice cube tray.
6. Invisible Mr. Peanut Who Was Murdered with Throwing Stars While Making Iced Tea: RIPeanut.
7. Some Asshole Who Hates Having $39.99: Too many $39.99s cluttering up the den? Send them to Lindy West c/o Gawker Media, 210 Elizabeth St, New York, NY. I AM HERE TO HELP.