Osama Bin Laden's Peaceloving Eurohippie Son Is Probably Not Bad In The Sack

Illustration for article titled Osama Bin Laden's Peaceloving Eurohippie Son Is Probably Not Bad In The Sack

Osama Bin Laden turns out to have a real-life dreadlocked Eurotrash-looking hippie for an estranged son, and he's organizing, like... a horse race for peace? Or something along those highly pragmatic, Realpolitik lines. Trained in Al Qaeda camps in Afghanistan from a tender age, Omar Osama Bin Laden loves Phish, eastern medicine, and... a surgically enhanced Linda Carter lookalike twice his age named Zaina Jane. Yay, humanity! Not only do they have bona fide "trustafarians" over on the "Jihad" side of the Military Industrial Complex, the cougars of McWorld are gaining traction in their groinal regions! What better way to celebrate this very humanistic holiday. In other news there were some caucuses and primaries and stuff in the desert land of sin and addiction. It's crappy hour, people!


MOE: There are a few issues today.

1. black people (we love you! It's our terrible Web 2.0 corporate overlords that are forcing us to work today)

2. caucus voting irregularities

3. Cindy McCain's outfits

4. Osama Bin Laden's son

5. The economy going to shit, though I think we should wait till tomorrow on that one.

MEGAN: Yeah, the economy will still be crappy tomorrow. Sort of like my mood.

OBL's weird son: married to a cougar. Right on!

MOE: Okay, he is the sixth husband of Lady Jane Felix-Browne, now Zaina Mohamed, who has apparently gone "under the knife" a few times. Under the knife. Knives. Al Qaeda. Plastic surgery. MTV reality shows depicting plastic surgeries. LIVE. Just me, or do we have an egregiously offensive Mel Brooks production right here?

MEGAN: How awesome would it be if it involved a bunch of scrubs-clad Broadway types dancing with scalpels singing about the fountain of youth and OBL while they took turns cutting zaina and getting blood everywhere.

MOE: Glad you're with me on that! Anyway, here's an extended story on Rasta Bin Laden's cougar wife. She claims she actually met Osama Bin Laden at a party in the early 70s. Before Omar was even born! Damn, that would freak me out were I, uh, the estranged 26-year-old son of Osama Bin Laden's son.

So should we discuss the outfits?

Of Omar, I mean.

Although Cindy McCain and Omar, just from a sartorial perspective, look like they'd be friends.

MEGAN: Indeed. Although, on Cindy: do you think she had to grow her hair out because pollsters showed that it made people uncomfortable? Because she was cuter with short hair, I think.


MOE: I think Meghan McCain was like "Mommy pixie cuts are over" and that's how that happened. I prefer it long. Although either way, she does NOT have that "first lady look." If they were polling this shit she'd be in earth tones and soft makeup. But she's got some independent style spirit going on. I think I'm going to make a gallery of her rainbow coalition of outfits later.

MEGAN: I like colors, like, a lot. I have suits in red, purple, light blue, sea green, ivory... but that's because the monochromism of Washington gets to me. Maybe it gets to Cindy, too.


MOE: Yeah, if there is an opposite of my philosophy of how to dress, she is it. But she and John won South Carolina, which I think is good news for the country if not so much for the Democrats and definitely will provide an engaging flow of new outfits to critique. In other news Romney and Clinton won Nevada, but Obama got more DELEGATES and Ron Paul got second place. Will you play Doris Kearns Goodwin for a sec and tell me the last time "delegates" mattered more than momentum? Because Obama won an equal amount of delegates in New Hampshire too. Yesterday all the talk shows were like "it could go all the way to the convention!!" Could it really go all the way to the convention? And why the fuck hasn't Edwards dropped out yet?

MEGAN: So, the conventions sort of work like the electoral college- each state gets to send delegates (only, unlike the electoral college, the delegates don't all have to agree). So, if Obama keeps pace with Hillary's delegate count, then the convention isn't just a coronation it's an actual meeting to decide who the nominee will be.

Which is what it's intended to be, but coronations work better on TV


MOE: That, I understand. But what's the last time that ACTUALLY HAPPENED?

MEGAN: Oh, like, never.

I mean, Edwards staying in means that, with his delegates in a close race, he can play king maker when he does drop out, assuming it stays close.

Also, Liz basically said him being President is her dying wish. How's he gonna drop out?


MOE: Hahah for a second I thought you meant Liz Glover. But she's totally in it for Ron Paul to win it.

MEGAN: They offered her a ride in the blimp!

MOE: Speaking of, Ron Paul ... second place in Nevada.

MEGAN: My cogent political analysis: most people in Nevada don't like the government. See: gambling, prostitution. Also, I'm gonna say that there are probs a bunch of people that aren't bothered by the racist writings in Nevada.


MOE: Beyond hating the government, it's hard to think Nevada is supposed to be moved by any philosophy requiring a positive outlook re the human condition. You're a pit boss whose take on human nature is pretty much a composite gleaned from thousands of interactions with drunks getting thrown out for grabbing the asses of your cocktail waitresses, Chinese restaurant workers who will spend 92 hours straight blowing the life savings that was supposed to buy them out of indentured servitude with the Fujianese mob, strippers and the multiple female subcultures that emulate their style, and mirthless software programmers who wake up at 6 a.m. to come down and win all these suckers' last hundred bucks.

MEGAN: Yeah, I can see where Hope(TM) wouldn't work there.

MOE: Also it is FUCKING HOT.

MEGAN: But it's so dry that my hair always looks great. Fucking DC humidity.

MOE: Yeah, so I didn't really understand why Obama was even supposed to have a chance in such a place. Like people are going to really bat an eyelash when the Clinton campaign bursts in and tells everyone to go home early, polls are closed...


MEGAN: Polls said he did? Do people just lie to pollsters these days?

MOE: I guess. Why not. What happens in...

MEGAN: I'll quietly pretend I didn't hear that.

Last time I was in Vegas, a married guy trying to get in my pants ACTUALLY said that,

He also went with "My wife and I have an agreement, as long as I'm discrete." I went with "So me a signed, notarized affadavit to that effect and we can talk."


MOE: I just sent you a story about Osama's son from the Daily Mail last year. It's funny because everything he says about his dad — he loved sports! We barbecued! he has a great sense of humor! — sound like Jenna Bush in Texas Monthly. Maybe she'll come to Omar's horse race for peace? Related: their sex = involves props I'm thinking.

MEGAN: While he's not my speed, I'm all for the older woman-younger man hookups, if for no other reason then I'm getting older. But, I don't want to watch.


MOE: I bet she writes erotica.



In 1980, Teddy Kennedy tried to deny Jimmy Carter, the incumbent President the nomination by trying to get some of his delegates to crossover to the Kennedy camp. According to Wikipedia, Kennedy had 1150 delegates to Carter's 2129, but that's the last time that I remember an exciting convention. Everything since has been pretty well scripted.