One Million Moms Tentatively Approves ABC Family's Bizarre Rebranding as 'Freeform'

On Tuesday, ABC Family announced that they were changing the name of the network to Freeform in January, in order to “super-serve” what they’re calling “Becomers,” aka people who are “on that epic adventure of becoming an adult—from first kiss to first kid!” Not sure what any of that means? Us either! But One Million Moms is pretty stoked about the whole thing.

“Freeform evokes the spirit and adventure of our audience,” ABC Family President Tom Acheim said in a press release that basically admits that “Becomers” is another word for “Millennials.” “Freeform will deliver new, exciting original content as well as all the favorite shows our viewers already love on ABC Family.”

The promo they released regarding the change nonsensically adds:

Freeform. Free to take whatever shape feels right. Free to push beyond the expected. Free to get beyond point A to point B in a line that’s nowhere near straight. Because you don’t just watch: you get involved, make it yours, and share it with everyone. This is where we break free, so come with us.

Seems pretty harmless and dumb, right? Wrong! This is a momentous change that has been hailed by One Million Moms, a group of ranty conservative blowhards who make moms look bad. They’re thrilled that with this new name, people will finally know what the network is all about—which is not family.

The content will stay the same, but at least parents will no longer be misled by the name. The name change is good news! It would have been nice if the network had cleaned up the programming, but since that wasn’t going to happen, a name change was necessary.

“Over the years there has been a public outcry because of the content aired under the family label,” the Moms go on to explain, blaming their scandalous shows for ABC Family’s supposed ratings issues. “1MM has warned parents numerous times that this so-called family channel was anything but that. There is nothing family-oriented about the network and the name change is long overdue. It was misleading to parents and confusing for families.”

The Moms have, as they kindly point out, worked “tirelessly” over the years to call our attention to the travesty that is programs like Secret Life of the American Teenager (was pro-abortion), Pretty Little Liars (has “s*x” in it) and The Fosters (gay people). Perhaps they’re still upset that ABC Family was originally a channel started by conservative religious broadcaster Pat Robertson, of The 700 Club, before Disney eventually purchased it and started trying to target “Becomers.” They have little to be bitter about, however: The 700 Club will probably continue to air for eternity, much as One Million Moms will continue to shout in the abyss.