Once We've Warred With Iran, Russia And Spain, Who Will McCain-Palin Attack Next?

Illustration for article titled Once We've Warred With Iran, Russia And Spain, Who Will McCain-Palin Attack Next?

Attacks from the McCain-Palin campaign aren't just for Barack Obama, Joe Biden and the nation of Russia anymore! The Repubs have moved onto bashing Hillary Clinton and, um, Spain. Luckily, Jason Linkins and I don't move on as well as the GOP, so we talk more about Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild and her many, many friends of African-American heritage, Grenada, sangria, Palin and Ahmadenijad's love-that-dare-not-speak-it's-name, blow jobs, rapes, unwanted babies and very, very unwanted baby names.MEGAN: Good morning! Did you hear? Apparently Spain's President Zapatero is nearly as bad as Hugo Chavez or Fidel Castro. And Spain's apparently in Latin America. JASON: I heard about that. Very maverick. But you must indulge me a brief veer off topic. MEGAN: Okay, but first Russia and now Spain? Whatever happened to attacking Grenada? JASON: Kenley? From Project Runway? You are just the FUCKING WORST EVER IN LIFE. You are an awful, undermining, leprous, personality-crippled knee biter whose every utterance causes me pain - like white hot needles. OH DEAR GOD BUT YOU ARE AWFUL KENLEY. AWFUL! I see that in the next episode, Tim Gunn tells you to lose the "sarcasm and the facetiousness," but what's left, Kenley? What's left? A thin puddle of oozing, malodorous pus with a tweaker's take on the 1950s? I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU LIKE I HATE FELINE LEUKEMIA. Okay. So, now. Something about Spain? MEGAN: Dodai's post on Project Runway will be up soon!! Anyway, apparently, we're contemplating war with Spain, too. I guess once we're done bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bombing Iran. JASON: Well, okay. Spain. Yes. McCain, he is Los Rebelde Original! Now he either HATES Spain or thinks they are part of Latin America or hears "Jose Zapatero" and thinks "Zapatista" or something. It's terrible. I don't hate Spain. I've never been there, but it's not because I hate Spain. As soon as the Spanish master crushed ice, I am going. Provided we are not BOMB BOMB BOMB LA BAMBAING them. MEGAN: They put ice in sangria, just not Coke. It was a nice country. But, Iran, well, that's another story. JASON: Well, that's a relief. Isn't Sangria banned in DC? MEGAN: No! I have a friend who actually dug into this! In Virginia, the liquor distributors got a law passed that restaurants couldn't make sangria in advance (i.e., sell it by the glass) if it contained liquor and wine, and once it went into effect everyone pitched a fit so it's either been repealed or is about to be. Yes, I have friends enough into sangria that we looked up the legislative history when Jaleo was all "we can't sell it by the glass anymore." Sarah Palin believes that Hillary Clinton should put aside partisanship and appear on stage with her for the sake of eventually bombing Iran and not the optics of the two of them on stage together. JASON: Oh, well, Sarah Palin is going to reap the goddamned whirlwind if she keeps that shit up. She wants to wake up in bed with some animal that's been field-dressed by Harold Ickes? I sure would not. Speaking of, I love how they're making a big deal about Palin "going to the U.N." when she's apparently going to just be yelling at Ahmadinejad from the safety of Rudy Giuliani's cosmopolitan playground. She's going to CLARIFY her position on Iran? OOOOH. That's SURE to be REALLY interesting. For a woman who's touted as Alaska's Greatest Moosehunter, she seems to do a lot of shooting fish in a barrel. Anyway, they should just send Amy Poehler. That way there would at least be one person there not offering a pale imitation of a stateswoman. And HRC can assiduously continue to not degrade her brand by equating it with Palin's. MEGAN: Welll, but she'll meet other world leaders that also want to yell at A'jad. And then, as he exits, their eyes will meet across the plaza, the music will swell, the yelling people will seem to quiet around them. Time will stop as their love blossoms, Jason. It'll be a new era in America's policy toward Iran, one filled with musical montages, Central Park carriage rides and hot, sweaty sex between two uptight brunettes. And Hillary Clinton, with nearly as sensitive a gag reflex as my own (just ask Bill and that one ex-boyfriend of mine), needs not to hurl on camera, so she's opting to miss it. JASON: Naturally, some of the Jewish organizations are seeking to have the invitation to Palin rescinded:

The National Jewish Democratic Council called late today for Palin's invitation to be lifted as well. "Monday's protest against Ahmadinejad is too important to be tainted by partisanship," Marc R. Stanley, the council's chairman, said in a statement. "Unfortunately, the campaign of Senator John McCain is much more interested in scoring political points than insuring there is bipartisan solidarity around the anti- Ahmadinejad efforts. "Therefore, we call upon the Conference of Presidents of Major Jewish Organizations to withdraw the invitation to Governor Sarah Palin and we applaud Senator Hillary Clinton's decision to not attend the rally after the attendance of Palin was announced."


MEGAN: It probably doesn't help that the Republican Jewish Coalition is running anti-Obama push polls. JASON: And that's what happens when your convention speech includes a drop in, quoting Westbrook Pegler. MEGAN: Oh, well, sure. But Palin's a Republican. Quoting notorious anti-Semites who also advocated for the assassination of RFK is cool as long as you're deeply committed to hating Iran and the Palestinians and whomever else we're supposed to hate. It's such a long list, I keep forgetting it all. JASON: Half the country is on that list! MEGAN: And like most of the rest of the world, it seems. Anyway, so, someone hacked Palin's email. Yawn. JASON: Yes. I saw that. Sort of couldn't avoid that! MEGAN: Oh, wait, it proves that — as she's all but admitted to — she uses her personal e-mail for business. Great. Well, now that it's been hacked, both accounts are wiped from the servers and can't be retrieved. Way to go hackers! I know this because my Yahoo account got hacked a few months back and the guy erased my entire inbox and Yahoo was like, well, it's gone. Sorry. JASON: Yeah. Naturally, there doesn't seem to have been anything INTERESTING in her inbox. Pictures of her family. Some phone numbers. Someone wrote her an email telling her that God was awesome. MEGAN: God is pretty awesome, She and I totally get beer together sometimes and bitch about men. She apologizes for fucking that up a little, but free will seemed like a good idea at the time. JASON: Real game-changing stuff! But Gawker got it, and the pageviews that come along with it. So, that will all be a part of one Nick's "SUCK IT ALEX AND CHOIRE, LOOK AT MY TOTALLY AWESOME SITEVIEWS" posts. MEGAN: Which I read with rapt attention and think are incredibly genius. You know that. [Tries to distract Jason with shiny things] Hey, look, Palin's the CEO of Alaska! JASON: I view myself as the CEO of my junk. Oh. I am petitioning Arlington County High Schools to get Nick's posts entered into the AP English curriculum. Honestly, they are an improvement over TESS OF THE D'URBERVILLES. MEGAN: I mean, though, what isn't an improvement over Tess? It's not Hardy's best work. There's no metaphorical emasculation through inadvertent castration. (Yes, I've read a lot of Thomas Hardy. Who can identify that book and impress me?) JASON: See. That's what Nick provides! Metaphorical emasculation! Speaking of Fiorina, Sam Stein told me yesterday, upon his return from seeing Our Lady Of The Elite Elitism Haterz, that she used Fiorina's "captive to choice" line. Or whatever it was. The Democratic Party holds women captive on abortion? That one? That beautiful marriage of corporate PR and gender subjugation? MEGAN: I know, except she called it a noose! JASON: A noose? Nice. MEGAN: But, you know, not around African-American women, of which she presumably knows many. Lynn Forester de Rothschild totally has black friends. JASON: Oh. The Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild is straight gangsta. The Lady Lynn will take up the cause of ensuring women that they know they shouldn't be captive to the idea that they are more than a sack of meat to jack sperm into. MEGAN: The tyranny of choice shall not ruin this great nation! Lynn, please come save me from my right to have an abortion if I get pregnant from a sexual assault, and stroke my hair at the hospital and tell me how good it feels that we didn't elect an elitist. And maybe could you help pay for my rape kit? 'Cause I'm gonna need the help once John McCain makes my health insurance unaffordable and Palin charges me for it. Oh, God, Karl Rove speaks! He doesn't think everyone will love Palin forever, but someone forgot to let him know that the new talking point is not to call Obama a first-term Senator less they remind people that he's been in office in the Senate longer than she's been a governor. JASON: I think Rove is late to the party with that revelation. But back to Fiorina, she's not only making sure women are held captive to choice, she made sure that American consumers weren't held captive to only being able to by quality computers, by ensuring them that they'd have the choice to buy Hewlett-Packards. Which are like a motherboard shoved inside a cows ass. MEGAN: Wait, didn't Carly nearly ensure that no one had a choice to buy HPs, what with almost driving the country into the ground? JASON: Yes. I didn't say Carly was GOOD at her job! Only that she got a shit ton of money to leave it. Yesterday, when I heard that McCain was going to make her disappear, I wondered if she was expecting another $21 million severance package. MEGAN: Not even Karl Rove gets that much, and he doesn't suck at his job. JASON: I'm not sure how this relates, but you want to know what the Sarah Palin baby name generator gave me for my name? MEGAN: What? JASON: Taupe Armageddon. So, what can I say. This Sarah Palin thing hasn't been ALL bad. MEGAN: I think I might beat that: I am "Tangle Jig Palin." JASON: OMG. We have the best Sarah Palin names ever. MEGAN: My Sarah Palin child alter-ego should totally go hunting and drink beer with your Sarah Palin child alter-ego. JASON: "Tangle Jig Palin" sounds like some sort of hallucinogenic tea! MEGAN: Which we should drink deeply of while riding in an airplane shooting at wolves! JASON: We will drink Sangria with Jose Zapatero! And visit Hillary Clinton in New York. MEGAN: Who will totally be our mom's new BFF if only that mean Obama man will stop trying to come between them because they both totes know what sexism is like.



I think Palin is losing her shine. People are starting to figure out that she's but a shiny object to distract us for a bit.