Today, in an experience I shared with many other users of the internet, my life shifted a little bit. Scrolling through Twitter, I was confronted by images of Justin Bieber in the nude, and in particular with Justin Bieber’s big dick.
I said aloud, without thinking, “Welp, I have now seen Justin Bieber’s big dick.”
Unfortunately, I was working from home when this happened, and my significant other was working in the next room. Normally a very loud individual who yells all day without thinking, he was suspiciously quiet upon this admission—almost as though he did not know what to say. As a straight, cis male, he rarely responds to anything with utter silence; had Justin Bieber’s big dick silenced my partner? How could I ensure that he felt comfortable enough to speak, and that he had the room to do so?
Recognizing that Justin Bieber’s big dick was captured with a ridiculously long lens in what was ostensibly a remote island location at a private residence (in Bora Bora!), here are a few helpful pointers to help those of us who are astonished by the appearance of Justin Bieber’s giant wang in our Twitter timelines talk to our significant others, and hopefully make this relationship last.
If you accidentally saw Justin Bieber’s dick or even if you went looking for it, there’s no reason to pretend otherwise. Human beings have a natural curiosity and the internet is here to fulfill that. When telling your significant other about Justin Bieber’s dick, go ahead and come right out and say that you googled it, just like you would mention Wikipedia’ing important facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower or looking for recommendations for a dermatologist in your area in the search engine of your choice. (If you regularly use Bing!, though, you might want to lie about that.)
If you are entranced and hypnotized by Justin Bieber’s dick, it’s not going to behoove you to try and hide it; human beings have a natural instinct when a person is lying, particularly when it comes to their sex and life partners. It’s a quality ingrained into our species over hundreds of billions of years, evolved to protect the family unit. Instead of trying to outsmart this well-honed defense mechanism, laughing in the face of the very fabric of our beings, lean into it. It’s okay to say, “I saw Justin Bieber’s dick, and I liked it.” It’s already showing on your face, through the fluctuations of your pupils and the upturned grin of the smirk you don’t know is on your face but definitely is. If you didn’t think that Justin Bieber’s dick was all that it’s cracked up to be, it’s also okay to say, “Hmm, I saw the D, and it was just fine.” If you were repulsed by it, then say that.
Obviously, the mechanisms of celebrity peen are complex, and depending on who you are and your proclivities, it’s possible you’ve been here many times before: Michael Fassbender. Jamie Dornan. Kanye (allegedly). Colin Ferrell, which made for very complicated True Detective viewings. But people of Justin Bieber’s size and stature—people whose entire youth and maturation we’ve witnessed in public—aren’t often captured in photographs with their entire penises uncovered. If you’re having an existential crisis because of your complicated feelings relating to the dick pic, communicate that. If knowledge of Bieber’s big dick shifts something in the nature of your overall personal desire, be gentle but open, and leave room for your partner to discuss how he feels about that as well.
It’s very possible that your partner will have many questions about where this leaves your relationship. Is it a development that you can weather? Be sure that you lend an open ear to his concerns. If you’re thinking about Justin Bieber’s dick while he’s talking, try to put it out of your mind; not allowing him to be heard will further diminish the cause of working through this conundrum together.
Unknowns are far scarier than knowns; more information means more control. If he seems unsure and hasn’t yet seen Justin Bieber’s big dick, it might be worth it to both of you for him to look at it.
Approach Justin Bieber’s dick with a light heart and you and your significant other can overcome anything together. And if you break up because of Justin Bieber’s dick, take heed in the knowledge that the world is literally filled with giant dicks; there are so many more where that came from!
After writing this, I went back to my significant other and applied my own advice to my personal situation. He was much more talkative by then—he was yelling expletives at his computer, which was acting slow. “Should we talk about Justin Bieber’s dick right now?” I asked softly and gently.
“I don’t know,” he mumbled, ginger at first and then slightly louder. “It’s not really a dude that people talk anymore about, is it? I don’t really have opinions about that.”
I am happy to report that we are still together! Your relationship, too, can survive this, if only you just apply the hints I’ve helpfully provided here.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Image via Getty