On Thursday, we posted a picture of a young woman who was two seconds away from losing her mind at the London premiere of the 3D Jonas Brothers film. Your reactions were hilarious and sweet.
"With blonder hair, a bi-level haircut (that's what we called 'mullets' back in the 80's), blue framed glasses and holding a duran duran magazine/program/fanzine and it's me in 1983," said commenter Rednrowdy. "As I vehemently hate the Jonai, I cant lie that this was me in response to NSync backintheday," said commenter ElleL, before adding a *shameface* note to her comment to justify her former love of JC Chasez and his frosted tips.
Everyone has at least one lame teenage celebrity crush that they're afraid to own up to. While some crushes have actually held up over the years (hellooooo, Mr. McGregor), there are others that exist only in the dark corners of our mind, shoved behind boxes of unnecessary pop-culture memories and factoids, covered with giant NKOTB beach towels and left to fade behind a wall of "Oh, no, my crush was David Bowie and is still David Bowie and I NEVER thought Kirk Cameron was hot at all. Ever. Nor did I care for his neighbor, Boner Stabone." Oh, what a tangled web of Growing Pains-related lies we weave!
I have previously admitted to a high school obsession with Billy Corgan, and like anyone raised on The Mighty Ducks and The Sandlot, I was pretty sure, in middle school, that I was going to marry either Adam Banks or Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez. These are pretty normal, acceptable 90's crushes to have: I certainly was not alone in my screamy, dreamy admiration of the Cakeeater, the Jet, and the Zero.
However, there is one tweenage crush that I have always been a little embarrassed about. For a while there, in 7th grade or so, I was madly in love with Jim Carrey. I had an entire wall of my bedroom dedicated to him. Pictures of him from In Living Color, articles cut from magazines, and even—dear lord in heaven I don't know if I want to post this—a poster of Ace Ventura. ACE VENTURA. A character who is so ridiculously gross and uncool that he pretty much represents the opposite of all things sexy. I obnoxiously adopted a "Jim Carrey voice" and went around the house doing my impression for my parents, who clearly thought I had gone insane. "Go shuck the corn," my mother would say, handing me a paper bag and a few ears. "ALRIGHTY THEN!" I'd yell, flailing the corn around like I was directing traffic on speed.
But here is the thing: you can't help it when you like somebody. And I liked Jim Carrey for the same reason I tend to like most people: because he made me laugh. Of course, when puberty kicked in, and my angst along with it, I rolled my eyes at Ace Ventura and devoted myself to the Billy Corgans of the world, who may not have made me laugh, but "understood" me and wrote deep lyrics about, you know, stars and stuff. And as I moved out of that phase, those crushes faded as well.
Your dumb celebrity crushes exist to provide a safe means of expressing adoration for an ideal; this is someone you think you could love, and who might see something in you, if they were given the chance. Knowing that your chances of meeting and being whisked away by this person are slim to none gives you complete control over creating a fantasy life for yourself: if you can't ever meet and be rejected by so-and-so, then whatever happens in your mind is harmless and under your control.
Sadly, my 7th grade dream of becoming Ace Ventura's partner-in-crime has died. But I did catch the movie a few weeks ago, with my current, non-Ace Ventura fiance, and I had to turn it off after 20 minutes because I just couldn't take it (though I will watch Dumb & Dumber anytime it is on. ANYTIME). Still, I may or may not have yelled, "Liiiiiiike a glove!" as I pulled my car into the library parking lot the next day.
Ok, I totally did. Some crushes die hard, you guys.
Feel free to post your embarrassing crushes in the comments.