OK! Can't Even Wait 48 Hours to Start Talking About Kate's Baby Weight

OK! Magazine prepared a story about Kate Middleton’s “post-baby weight loss regime” — Kate’s trainer says her stomach will “shrink straight back,” for those of you who were concerned — before the royal spawn had emerged from her womb. Disgusting, yes, but you’re pretty dumb if you’re shocked by the preemptive MILF-pressure.

“The question on everyone’s lips is not just the name, sex or weight of the baby, but also how Kate plans to return to her pre-pregnancy glory,” reads the piece that hit stands today, implying the magazine’s writers planned to give the public what they wanted — royal diet tips — before Kate even gave birth. The original online version mysteriously disappeared (probably thanks to the outraged tweets it provoked), but you can read it via Google Cache here:

Kate Middleton will slim back to her pre-baby body in no time, experts have exclusively revealed to OK! Magazine.

Kate has stuck to a healthy diet for the past nine months and it’s thought she’ll be keen to return to her pre-pregnancy svelte figure.

A source told OK!: “She even proudly said how she wanted to squeeze back into her favourite jeans soon after the baby was born!”

Royal expert Jennie Bond thinks the Duchess will need no such post-baby diet and fitness plan if she opts to breastfeed the little one.

British journalists and activists are waging a #DontBuyOK campaign in retaliation:

…which seems pretty naive. This is how it works: celebrities get pregnant. We freak out over the photos. They give birth. We freak out over the photos. We ooh and ahh over the adorably elite baby, but also over the radiant new mother’s beautiful shiny hair. We expect her to be the perfect embodiment of glowing maternity without displaying any of the physical or emotional repercussions that ensue when one brings a human into the world.

When would we tolerate OK!’s gross but 100% predictable weight-loss piece? A week from now? A month? I doubt we’d even notice if they gave her a tiny, still ridiculous grace period before pressuring her to exercise the baby fat away.

I’m not saying you’re a horrible person if you got excited about the royal baby (although I did think the whole point of being American was renouncing the monarchy, but WHATEVER), but I think it’s worth considering the part that rapt infatuation plays in the cycle of obsessing over famous babies and then criticizing the mother if she looks or acts like a mother for delivering said baby.

This isn’t just an OK!/Kate issue: US Weekly recently ran a rather confusing piece about how Busy Phillips, who “gave photographers the first glimpse of her post-baby body during a lunch outing” (how gracious of her), despises and simultaneously feeds into the pregnant celeb frenzy. “This total obsession with pregnant celebrities — how much weight they gain, what they’re eating, what they look like, how they’re going to lose it — I just feel like, culturally, we’re not being very kind,” Phillips said. But then she also recently tweeted: “Going to my first post-baby spin class. Thirty percent chance I will sit on the bike, not pedaling and cry.”

Of course, OK!’s cover promises readers their own exclusive duchess diet and shape-up plan.