Oh, To Be Simultaneously Fancied By Zach Braff And Adam Levine!

Illustration for article titled Oh, To Be Simultaneously Fancied By Zach Braff And Adam Levine!
  • Adam Levine and Zach Braff are probably two of the most intriguing men of our age. One is the frontman for Maroon 5, which some record company executive once told us was basically our generation's heir to The Police, while the other gave us the not-at-all masturbatory Garden State, and a few weeks ago asked had his friend ask our friend, after palming her ass at a party, if she swallowed. We cannot imagine what it would be like to be Ivanka Trump at the precise moment at which both of these young bachelors — let's coin the phrase "emosogynists" here, why don't we? — were courting her. [Rush & Molloy]
  • Brad (deer) at Cannes press conference (headlights): "Uh, I was just wafting in the words of...what's her name?" Yeah, uh, that would be Shiloh's mom. Also: "I look at my kids and realize they will inherit this world, and we wanna do everything we can throw our weight in and make it a little bit better." Well, apparently A Mighty Heart is a really uplifting movie. Read about how Angelina & Mariane are all besties in Glamour! [Extra]
  • Like nineteen people, including Kitty Kelly and her dad, are writing books about Oprah. We are soon about to be so overwhelmed with books about Oprah we won't have time to read Oprah's book club! Or, come to think about it, our Arabic classes or the marathon or spiritual growth. Good thing we've made peace with the fact that obsessing over Oprah is a lot easier than actually trying to improve ourselves. [Rush & Molloy]
  • We wouldn't really care about a porn star naming herself Katee Holmes, but this one claims to be a virgin, so, uh, we guess she needs publicity? [Page Six]
  • The Bush twins like their seafood sustainable. We're not sure how that even works — unless it makes you, like, breathe fish eggs back into the ecosystem — but we're sure we ignored many "green issue" stories about it last month! [Washington Post]
  • As everyone in America knows, Jessica Simpson's body is truly a Wonderland...the mystic tan...saline implants...don't tell us you actually thought John Mayer could for real leave someone whose mere presence inspires such poetry even from us? [Page Six] [Gatecrasher]
  • Britney leaps off a plane upon realizing its seats aren't leather, which is really the sort of highly improbable behavior you should really just read about in The Superficial. [The Superficial]
  • Leonardo and Kate in another movie for which we can only pray that Celine Dion takes time away from fucking her husband to perform the soundtrack. [Cindy Adams]
  • You might not remember, but last month Paula Abdul allegedly showed up to church drunk two weeks in a row, which is why it makes total sense that she is capable of tripping over a chihuahua and breaking her nose. [Extra]



I want that castrato Maroon 5 idiot dead. Really, thoroughly, buried-with-his-cut-off-balls dead.

I was really bored and happened upon one of the worst television shows ever filmed: Saturday Night Live - starring (get this!) Zach Braff, with special musical guest Maroon 5!

First, what the flock happened to SNL?

Second, who actually saw Garden State?

Third, I can't get the utterly pedantic chorus of one of those cursed songs out of my head:

Cause I don't believe in you, any more, any mo-o-ore!

Since Saturday, people! Saturday!!