Illustration for article titled Obituaries Are the Best Place for Score-Settling

After 94 years of life, Josie Anello was probably looking forward to ascending to Heaven and spending eternity far away from her bickering children. So she must have been quite disappointed to pass the Pearly Gates and pick up the newspaper (yes, they have newspapers in Heaven) and find this gem of an obituary, which is obviously the work of her dear son A.J.

Illustration for article titled Obituaries Are the Best Place for Score-Settling

[Via Buzzfeed]

Heaven image via James Steidl/Shutterstock.

Illustration for article titled Obituaries Are the Best Place for Score-Settling

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My grandmother passed a couple years ago. My dad, who is a bratty adolescent in many ways, had stopped speaking to her in her final years, which was not lost on his six siblings. One of my aunts had been primary custodian of my grandmother and arranged every detail of the service. Fast forward to the day we buried granny:

1.) My Catholic aunt (she converted when she married) found some Pastor/Reverand/Idon'tknow to do the service b/c my granny did not belong to any church but was baptized... something. I don't even know. Dad says they rarely attended church as kids unless they were visiting family and went with them.

2.) Pastor/Rev/whatever gets up and gives a heartfelt talk about how religious my grandmother was (Huh? No she wasn't.), how she would sit and read the bible (My functionally illiterate grandmother?!) and how she would quote scripture (Now I'm looking around the room like, "who the fuck told you all this bullshit?!"). I genuinely started to wonder if he was at the wrong funeral.

3.) At the end, siblings are called up to say their goodbyes. First, two of my aunts. Then an uncle. Another Aunt. Then two more uncles. But not my dad. My brother is confused and thinks he just didn't hear them call my dad so he taps dad and tells him to go up and join his two brothers, which he does. No one says anything. Then they go through multiple rounds of grand-kids. First, a couple of my oldest cousins. Then a few more cousins. Then the the last few of us, including my brother and me. There are fourteen of us, so we couldn't all go up at once, but the order of it was not based on age or parent. In fact, one cousin was called up first, separately from her three siblings who were called up in the next-to-last round.

Let me be clear: family members were called up, by name, in rank-fucking-order of favorites. Six siblings, fourteen first cousins. Ranked. My dad said it was all my aunt. I heard from an uncle that it was my grandmother's design. All I know is I was at the bottom of that pyramid.