Nursery Rhymes, The Jezebel Way

The Advertising Standards Authority has rebuked the British government for two posters which use nursery rhymes to make exaggerated claims about global warming. Since warning kids through hysteria is fun, I decided to write a few others.

One of the banned posters read: “Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. There was none as extreme weather due to climate change had caused a drought. Extreme weather conditions such as flooding, heat waves and storms will become more frequent and intense.” Another said this: “Rub a dub dub, three men in a tub – a necessary course of action due to flash flooding caused by climate change.” People complained, the ASA responded, and the ads have been changed. However, we think nursery rhymes, with their somewhat dark history and traditional format, could prove a good way to teach kids about all the other crises we face today. Some suggestions:

Mary, Mary quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With fertilizer and pesticide, and other toxins that are seeping into our water source, of course!
An apple a day keeps the doctor away, which is wonderful news, because many Americans can’t afford health care, but they can buy apples. Too bad it doesn’t actually work that way.
There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, she had so many children she didn’t know what to do. She then got pregnant again. She didn’t have health care, and even if she did, it probably wouldn’t have covered abortion and she lived in a state where restrictions made the procedure hard to obtain. In addition, she recently lost her house to the subprime mortgage crisis, which explains the whole shoe-thing, so her life basically sucked.
I’ve been working on the railroad, all the live long day. Even though it’s backbreaking work, I really need this job – unemployment has reached new heights and daddy’s gotta feed his family somehow. Just don’t expect your father home for dinner.
The Sandman’s coming in his train of cars. Watch out, he was once imprisoned for sex crimes but the prisons are so overcrowded he got out early, and has since moved into your neighborhood. Keep windows and doors locked at all times.
Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he. He was especially merry after AIG gave him a giant bonus after his company received a government bailout. Hey, even kings gotta pull in some extra cash somehow.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, which promptly gave way beneath her because she had been eating way too much curds and whey. Have you heard there is an obesity epidemic? We’re just concerned about your health, Muffet.