Now Is the Time to Invest in Turkey

Illustration for article titled Now Is the Time to Invest in Turkey
Image: Angela Weiss (Getty Images)

When it comes to the stock market there are really only two things you need to know: arrows up—good, and arrows down—bad. Now that you’re a self-taught stock expert, I’ve got an even hotter tip for you: Today the arrow is down on turkeys which means they will be cheaper than ever, and more importantly, buying in on Big Turkey means big returns next year when (you guessed it) the arrows go back up.

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Market Watch has pivoted to turkey watching for the holidays and reports that the average price of a Thanksgiving meal for 10 people will run a little under $50. Being the responsible stock person and home chef that you are, you’re probably not going to be making turkey for 10 and Big Turkey is way ahead of you!

Smaller turkeys for smaller, covid-friendly gatherings are in high demand—you know, arrow up. So retailers are offering discounts on big-ass turkeys to encourage purchasing and hoping customers will bank that big old bird for a week’s worth of leftovers, according to Market Watch.

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Now is the time to grab a phone and scream buy, buy, buy into it and wait for the returns on your big turkey purchase whether that be in the form of some bomb turkey sandwiches or imaginary stock market money that has no ties at all to jobs!

And just as an extra hot tip, for those long-term investors, massage your turkey with some olive oil and sofrito on Monday night. Really drench that bird and marinate until Thursday. You’re welcome.

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DISCUSSION

briangriffinsprius
BrianGriffin thinks “reliable” is just a state of mind

At first I thought that was $50 *per person* which, while kinda high, doesn’t seem out of the realm of reality. It’s $46 and some change TOTAL, or less than $4.70 per person.

Holy shitballs, are people eating...shit balls?