This month's Cosmo is for "sexy bitches only," so don't read on unless you're into topless feather-dusting, armpit kissing, and hog-tying your himbo.

We didn't realize that when we learned to tie knots in Brownies, the Girl Scouts of America were actually preparing us to "turn him into our love slave" (Fig. 1) Otherwise, the November issue is actually more about being a good partner (i.e. giving in to all of your boyfriend's desires) than a "bad girl." The article "What He's Really Thinking During Sex" claims to be "educational for maximizing your pleasure," but all we learned is that the handful of guys interviewed like Brazilian waxes, feel push up bras are deceitful, and are bored by the sight of their fiancée's naked body. And then there's Jeremy, 27, who says:

When you reach in a girl's pants it's like an exploratory thing: You're reaching around, hoping you don't feel anything weird. And if I am in there and feel some kind of bump or something, I'm like, Excuse me, but what the hell is that?

Maybe it's good that Jeremy is so vigilant about STDs, but are most guys really that focused on checking for abnormal growths? We may never know, because according to Cosmo, it isn't our place to question men about their thoughts or actions. The article "The Six Worst Things You Can Say To a Guy," advises that if a man is unreasonably upset about something minor like running late, we should just apologize, not tell him to lighten up. And we should never ask a guy, "Can you really afford that?" because, "It'll make him associate you with the least sexy, least desirable women in his life: Mom." Who knew men had such terrible Mommy issues?

(Click the image below to enlarge.)


Fig. 1