Nothing Is More Boring Than Your Diet

Illustration for article titled Nothing Is More Boring Than Your Diet

Know how you know it's a slow news day? Yeah, when you read this post because everything on the internet is FUCKING BORING today. Anyway, keep in mind I'm operating under the assumption that we all agree that dieters are annoying, but dieters who write stories about their food diaries and how much they are suffffering are the annoyingmost. (Seriously, If we really wanted to hear your self-disciporn, don't you think we'd be dieting ourselves? Yeah, that's right, we'd like to be thinner, but we'd rather be fat and capable of thinking about things other than whether that hunger we are feeling is really hunger, or just appetite, or whether any of those pangs you thought were hunger before, were just straight-up pangs of First World greed, and this is what it felt like to endure Stalin-era rationing, or maybe your stomach is simply shrinking....actually it's your brain) Anyway, someone is blogging her diet on the Huffington Post right now. (She skips a cocktail and contemplates eating watermelon under her desk so no one will see her ingest sugar, but resists! It's monklike, really.)


Meanwhile, the New York Times, hot off the internet sensation that was the "Migraine Diet," allowed some other lady to fill a whole 1,200 words talking about her "philosophy" of eating fattening foods in "moderation" and weighing her self every day to keep her weight under control. Bold!!!!

In response to this I decided to ask all my friends — none of whom, not coincidentally, is on a diet right now, what they had eaten thus far today. Similarly to the dieters, the answers were all really boring and not really worth writing home about. But the remarkable thing is that none of them would have thought to share them with anyone! Because they're that boring! So it's like existentialist literature, or not really.

Me: Starbucks plain bagel, untoasted with light cream cheese, 16-ounce "Red Eye" (which is by the way not enough), Vico coconut juice box
Jez 1: "a cup of coffee. and i'm in the midst of an Activia yogurt"
Jez 2: "i bought chex mix when i was drunk last night and they were on my couch when i woke up"
Jez 3: "two gluten-free, sugar-free breakfast bars, 'chocolate' flavor" (she has a gluten allergy)
Jez 4: "grapes and carrots and hummus"
"Heather" #1: "a bowl of raisn bran. SOrry, that is so boring. I'm about to eat hummus though, on whatever I have to spread it on."
"Heather" #2: A soy latte and two additional cups of coffee.
Male 1: "two venti coffees.i might go to lunch. don't know. sometimes i forget to eat until i get home — which means frozen pizza, chinese or subway (always forgetting to head to the grocery store). but yeah, if lunch, then caesar salad or potbelly veggie sandwich. of course, mcd's is having a 49-cent cheeseburger sale today (limit five per visit). but i feel my cum-drenched clothing is gross enough for the office today."
Male 2: "um i had a cappuccino and a croissant and two handfuls of Wheat Thins, Original Recipe."
Male 3: " sesame bagel w/ cream cheese, two Wendy's Jr. Cheeseburgers. i've got a third right here, but i might save it for later."

You know what the best part is? That all these people were totally honest; we've seen them eat on countless occasions, and yeah Male #3 is probably the skinniest.

My Diet Strategy: Controlled Indulgence [NY Times]
Diary Of A Fast [Huffington Post]



Dieting sucks ass. Just have lots of sex and caffeine!