Not Watching Girls: Recap, Vol. 2

Not Watching Girls is where we detail the real-life foibles, exploits, and hot and hilarious haps of what we were doing in our exciting, glamorous, and emotional lives in our Brooklyn apartments during the half-hour the critically acclaimed HBO series Girls airs.


A strange and beautiful thing happened: my amaryllis bloomed for the first time in eight years, on the off season. Why do you think that happened?

I am really happy about it, not just because the flower is a resplendent shade of orange but because it is an additional thing to obscure my view of those people across the backyard who always have loud sports-watching parties on their balcony and play acoustic guitar covers like it is Olympia, Washington, circa 1998. This is not Olympia, Washington, this is Williamsburg, Brooklyn, the mean streets. Do I pay $800 in rent for a tiny shitty hovel just to hear you doing twee Shaggs covers? No, I do not. I do it because of the apartment's proximity to the L, G, and J trains, so I can travel out of this godforsaken neighborhood as easily as possible.

A person I know who wrote a book on gospel music lived in my exact apartment in the 1990s and was stabbed outside while making a call from a pay phone. He survived, and sometimes we still find his fanzines in the cellar. The director Todd Haynes lived in the apartment one floor up, back when he was still hanging out at the Pyramid Club. My landlord has been telling everyone this fact as a selling point. (Sidebar, the first floor apartment in my building is totally for rent, it's like $4000 but it's huge, holler if you're interested and not a dick. You have to help take care of the backyard cats. Live in a building with creatives!)

Because popular music Web site Pitchfork dot com told me that Grimes and St. Vincent are debuting some songs on Girls, the critically acclaimed HBO show by Lena Dunham, I almost tuned in this week. I was cooking Dover sole dredged in almond flour, and HBO was already on the TV because I had been watching the Nicki Minaj vehicle The Other Woman, which also stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann and Jamie Lannister. The film relied too much on slapstick and I didn't laugh too much and Nicki Minaj is a good actor but her starpower was too distracting to play a menial role such as the secretary of a high-powered lawyer and also they gave her this stereotypical bird/gold-digging role that I found to be demeaning—but overall it was O.K. What would you do if you befriended your husband's mistresses? Would you go into their closet and try on their Louboutins? I would. And also I would be briefly impressed with my husband's ability to date someone who could afford Louboutins just before torching his Chevrolet Spark with a cigarette, all his clothes, and a bucket of kerosene. Just kidding, if I get married my husband probably won't know how to drive.

Anyway, because the HBO was still on from when I was watching The Other Woman, I did see three minutes of this week's episode of the show Girls where she is renting an apartment and says "two thumbs the fuck up" but it was an awkward delivery with too much emphasis on the "the fuck." I was going to watch more but I remembered that Erin Brockovich is on HBO on Demand. Have you seen Erin Brockovich? In the century-defining year Y2K, Julia Roberts won an Oscar for her portrayal of plucky lower-middle-class lawyer/activist Erin Brockovich, a real person who wears leopard print bustiers and advocates for the environmental rights of down-home people in America's heartland. All the bougie people around Erin underestimate her because she is a former beauty queen and looks really pretty and dresses in a way that is not office-traditional. But just because she is in a leather tank top at work does not mean she has shit for brains. In fact, the real Erin Brockovich masterminded the entirety of that PG&E lawsuit in which PG&E was exposing people in communities to cancer and knew about it but didn't tell them or care all that much. That is what the movie Erin Brockovich is about. Fracking is bullshit, right? It's important to call out bullshit when you see it, sort of like how Lena Dunham's Girls character going to the Iowa Writer's Workshop has sparked an entire Iowa Writer's Workshop truther movement. That's pretty bananas, actually; there's not even a fracking truther movement.

The fish I was making turned out pretty chill but almond flour is not that great for dredging, because it does not easily bond to the fish in the same way that regular flour would bond. It is one of the hazards of cooking for low carb diners, such as myself. There were also brussels sprouts, seasoned with olive oil, salt, and pepper, that I roasted in the oven on 400 for 40 minutes.


Emma Golddigger

Did I ever tell you all my Williamsburg story? One time my friend and I were walking around there and a literal homeless person approaches us and says, "Excuse me, do either of you have an American Spirit by any chance?" I go, "No, I smoke Camels, want one?" And my friend goes, "No, I smoke Camel Lights, want one?" To which the guy replies, "No thanks, I'll wait." In Williamsburg, beggars can be choosers.