North Korean Women's Soccer Team All Hepped Up On Deer Hormones

The North Korean women’s national soccer team has been banned from competition in the 2015 Women’s World Cup after five members of the team tested positive for performance enhancing drugs derived from the musk hormones of deer. Musk is a smelly brownish secretion that male deer rub all over trees and other inanimate objects in an attempt to attract a mate. The ladydeer go nuts for it. Think Axe Body Spray commercial, but in the forest.

While the creativity involved in athlete doping is sometimes amusing, the penalties against the team are serious. According to USA Today,

Jong Pok Sim, Hong Myong Hui, Ho Un Byol and Ri Un Hyang were suspended from all soccer-related activity for 18 months, while Song Jong Sun was ineligible for 14 months, FIFA said.

North Korea’s soccer federation was fined $400,000, and team doctor Nam Jong Ae was banned for six years.

The North Korean soccer association attempted to cover its ass by claiming that its deered up athletes were undergoing a traditional Korean treatment given to people after they are struck by lightning. Yes, they expected FIFA officials to believe that five members of the team were simultaneously struck by lightning and had to receive treatment that just happened to have a performance enhancing side effect. This is the worst excuse for getting caught red handed since that oddly festive Shaggy song about infidelity.