Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner... Or Nicolle Wallace Under A Bus

Illustration for article titled Nobody Puts Baby In A Corner... Or Nicolle Wallace Under A Bus

For a campaign that has whined about sexism in the media, it ends up being awfully ironic when you read how the dudely McCain advisers chose Palin because she would look good on magazine covers or when the men in charge of the campaign try to pin Wardrobe-gate on the other visible woman in the campaign. Luckily for us (and for her), McCain aide Nicolle Wallace doesn't suffer fools lightly, or in silence. Someone else who doesn't give a shit what you want her to do is Swampland's Ana Marie Cox, who joins us from the campaign trail with wit, bacon and tales of zombies. It is almost Halloween, after all.ANA MARIE: Good morning. MEGAN: Hello! I now have coffee brewing, it smells good enough I almost feel like I don't hate the world. ANA MARIE: I am discussing hotel reward points with other reporters and eating bacon and fruit. THE BREAKFAST OF CHAMPIONS. MEGAN: Bacon is always a part of the breakfast of champions, and I have now determined what I shall be eating once we finish. Porky deliciousness, which is really just a way to bring up Ted Stevens, who Palin has decided should resign. ANA MARIE: FINALLY. Next, Palin will appoint herself as replacement. MEGAN: You know that's coming. ANA MARIE: Though I do not mean to suggest that Obama is inevitable! MEGAN: Somehow, though, I don't see her having a warm relationship with Senator McCain when she gets there. ANA MARIE: We on the trail have been discussing whether or not she will even invite McCain to Bristol's wedding — since he is, you know, the reason why she has to get married. In a just world, he'd officiate. MEGAN: But they love each other! They always planned to get married! I'll bet she invited him for the gift because you know he ain't flying to Alaska. ANA MARIE: I actually don't mean to be cynical about that. I mean, I am, but on the other hand: I thought I'd marry my high school bf, too. MEGAN: Me too! True story: remember those machines in the mall that print business cards and invitations? We printed a fake wedding invite one time. ANA MARIE:Who do you think WILL have a warm relationship with Sen. McCain? Mel Martinez? MEGAN: Lindsay Graham's love for McCain will never, ever die. ANA MARIE: No. He will die wearing the wedding dress he picked out. MEGAN: He will have to be buried in it. I mean, you gotta admit, he does look really fabulous in it. ANA MARIE: Guy behind me: "The first polls close in six days, nine hours, and two minutes." MEGAN: Ok, Rainman. And where do polls close at 5:30? ANA MARIE: West Viriginia? Maybe he's lying. Some kind of elaborate voter fraud project. MEGAN: Maybe I am just better at math? It's slightly less elaborate than printing up flyers complete with logos and shit to pretend that Election Day has been moved. I mean, really? ANA MARIE: What, it hasn't? Shit. I was looking forward to collecting more Hilton Honors points. Also, someone tell Mickey Mouse. MEGAN: Dude, if they moved it to this week, I would totally be okay with that. It's Wednesday and I'm too tired to move to get the coffee I can now smell. I'm so bored I spent 5 minutes reading about Kwame Kilpatrick's cell and sexy texts just to not think about the election any more and then the damn reporters snuck it in there at the end anyway. Bastards. ANA MARIE: I was watching a zombie movie last night and couldn't help wondering which party they'd vote for. This election has infected my brain. MEGAN: I think the zombies, like al Qaeda, would want McCain to win, if only because, what with his arms, he seems like one of them. Yeah, I went there. ANA MARIE: It's okay. It's hard not to. MEGAN: Oh, and it turns out that Ashley Todd is not a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama, she's a Ron Paul plant pretending to be a McCain plant trying to turn people against Obama to turn people against McCain. Soooo crazy. She's like the Manchurian Candidate and shit. ANA MARIE: Personally, I think zombies would vote for Ron Paul! MEGAN: He would be like the Pied Piper for zombies, I would agree. All that yelling, they'd be really distracted. Bonus points: after they voted, Ron Paul's living supporters could then serve as sustenance for the zombies. Bonus, bonus points: Democrats could finally accuse Republicans of mining the cemeteries of this great nation for voters. ANA MARIE: There's a "Chicago machine politician" joke in there somewhere but I haven't finished my bacon. MEGAN: I need a bacon butler in the morning. And a coffee steward. ANA MARIE: So did Cindy McCain. MEGAN: But why did she need John McCain? ANA MARIE: I think the proper emphasis is, "Why did SHE need John McCain?" Or maybe, "Why did she NEED John McCain?" Sorry, that's totally the lack of bacon talking. MEGAN: I am seriously going to have to go cook some damn bacon when we finish this. ANA MARIE: Should we talk about Nicolle Wallace and her sexy under the bus pose? MEGAN: Yes, I think we should. I'm glad she decided to tell Fred Barnes he'd better apologize. ANA MARIE: She didn't really tell him that, she just busted out the whoop ass. MEGAN: Which, good for her, make him squeal like the bitch he is. Who says women can't play political hardball? Don't fuck with Nicolle Wallace. ANA MARIE: Usually it's just Bill Bennett that makes him do that. She's the velvet fist in an iron glove or whatever. (Speaking of Bill Bennett.) What I loved about Nicolle? She set her sights on Fred and did not let him out during that entire interview. SHE INVOLVED HER DOG IN THE MESSAGING. She's scarier than Mark Salter. He would just hurt you. MEGAN: Did Fred Barnes make her puppy cry? That bastard! ANA MARIE: Nicolle can DESTROY YOU. (From the interview: "We reached Wallace Monday night, enjoying a rare evening at home with her dog, Lily, who also joined the conversation at one point. "That's Lily protecting me from Fred Barnes," Wallace explained.") MEGAN: Nicolle should figure out who suggested to Freddie Back that it was all her fault and destroy him. Rick Davis seems like enough of a backstabbing little diva to do it. ANA MARIE: I think she has some ideas. No one in the press corps does tho... Seriously, favorite game right now is "who would be so stupid as to get on Nicolle's bad side?" Okay you have just made the obvious point that I should have. Davis. Totally. Wanted to do go to Saks himself MEGAN: Also, let us take on short moment to point out that the purchases were all made by Robocaller extraordinaire Jeff Larson. ANA MARIE: Who hasn't even denied it! MEGAN: With whom one imagines Wallace doesn't necessarily work that closely. ANA MARIE: Here's the other thing: Wallace is a Bushie. She knows how to hide illegal expenses. There would be no RNC disclosure of Wallace purchases. I kid, obviously. Though I only say that because I think she knows how to have me killed. MEGAN: It does seem pretty junior varsity, I agree. And Nicolle is not JV squad. ANA MARIE: Hold on. I have to get wanded. MEGAN: Tell him to do it the sexy way. ANA MARIE: I've been wanded! Wanded is one of the words I'll miss from the campaign. That and "manifest." As in a staffer telling me, "I'll manifest you." It sounds like one simply APPEARS somewhere. MEGAN: Manifest destiny is all I can think of when you say that. ANA MARIE: See, I think of manifestations. MEGAN: I think I have proved once and for all that I paid way too much attention in class. ANA MARIE: And I pay too much attention to the SciFi channel. MEGAN: So, shall we briefly discuss the irony of the woman who wants to change the Constitution to give herself more power if she wins accusing her opponent of wanting to change the Constitution? ANA MARIE: Do you think Palin would recognize the Constitution if she saw it? Like, the text? Maybe the part about guns... MEGAN: I'm not sure she would recognize it if it walked up to her on the street Schoolhouse Rock style and slapped her for all the shit she's been talking about it behind its back. ANA MARIE: But then she would shoot it.



Bacon Donuts FTW!