What’s better than a guy with two dicks answering all the questions you might have about his endowment? Not much, but a contender has appeared. Meet Penisindoor, a man who is dickless due to a bloody accident and who’s currently awaiting an experimental penile transplant. Close your eyes if you’re squeamish.
By the time I had descended upon Penisindoor’s fascinating Q&A on Reddit, he’d already removed his initial introductions, so I had to piece together what happened to him through comments, like some intrepid penis detective (nay, penis CSI). What I found made my own monolithic tower of manhood* wither into nothingness (just a plume of gray smoke). You see, Penisindoor’s username isn’t coincidental. He really did get it chopped off by a door and now he has to pee and ejaculate (and he still can! He and his girlfriend have lots of sex!) through his taint.
PID’s (we’re abbreviating now) ordeal began when he was 12 and was trying to freak out his friends by sticking his member, which was very aroused at the time, through a crack in a door and inviting them to “come give it a little kiss.”
Instead, one of his friends (who PID states didn’t yet have a strong grasp of physics), retaliated by slamming the door on PID’s penis, turning the scene into a mess of flesh, blood and arterial spray. PID states that during this time he wasn’t just in pain, he was having a panic attack. A panic attack? Dude, I would have passed out immediately because I have a fairly low threshold for pain and an even lower threshold for blood. One time I cut my hand open on a can of Chef Boyardee and the next thing I knew my dad was slapping me awake while my palm gushed blood. How does anyone remain conscious when their penis is hanging on by a tiny thread? Here are pictures of the aftermath. (I was going to insert them, but it’s Monday. You’ve got enough to deal with.)
Despite what happened, Penisindoor has a very good sense of humor about his condition. He’s forgiven the friend who slammed his dick in a door (they are still best friends) and he’s about to become the second person to ever get a penile transplant. He’s optimistic, but, according to NBC, the first man who received such a transplant suffered severe psychological problems.
Here are some important things you need to know about Penisindoor’s AMA:
- No, the guy with two dicks doesn’t talk to him. PID sent him a funny message asking him to share, but got no response. #Cold.
- The guy who’s responsible for the dick slamming has willed PID his penis. He is an organ donor. (PID actually feels worse for him than for himself because of all the guilt the guy has had to endure.) (Damn, PID is hella cool.)
- The dick donor will be deceased. This is actually (kind of) the plot of a gay porno from the 90s that I thoroughly enjoyed when I was a teenager! Who says gay porn isn’t realistic? (I had to purchase it from the video store and grew a huge beard to hide the fact that I was fourteen. It was a VHS and came in a huge box.) (No pun intended.)
- Yeah, he has sex. “Any loving couple can be intimate.”
- Limitations of the penile transplant: “Might reject. May not get an erection. Could kill me.”
- The stump of his penis still gets erect and he can masturbate very discreetely. Even on a church field trip: “...but I can get away with fapping very discretely. Did it all the time growing up. I’d just put paper towels in my underwear and even on the church van it would take 2 fingers down the front of my pants. Start rubbing away.... great success.” Great success!
- Here’s how he has sex: “I come in with glitter on my nipples and I eat sliced cheddar off her bare breasts.... no, no we don’t do that. I’m [sic] got the nod of disapproval from her on if i could say. Sorry.”
Is it just me or does this guy sound like the kind of person we all want to be when we grow up? Best of luck to you, Penisindoor! May the dong be with you!
*Can anyone remind me what movie this is from? All I know is that the woman who wrote this beautiful description of male genitalia is a school counselor aspiring to write smutty romance fiction. (The best kind.)
Image via Shutterstock