Niecy Nash: Suck Dick Every Day Or Your Marriage Will Die

Niecy Nash, star of Reno 911 and Clean House has released a shiny nugget of wisdom unto the world: If you want to keep a marriage going, you’re going to provide oral sex every day. Otherwise, the entire thing will collapse into an expensive heap of anger and resentment.

Here’s what Nash told Playboy this week when asked about the secret to a happy marriage, which, according to her new sex book is “keep him fed and drained“: (BRB, throwing up just a little.)

What I say in the book is, “A BJ a day keeps the divorce attorney away” and I say that because I feel like men are profoundly simplistic, which is the reason I wanted to call my book what I used as the title of chapter three, which is, “Stomach Full, Penis Empty: A Woman’s Guide to a Happy Marriage.” Keeping him fed and drained, you have no problem.

We are really more complicated than they are and I think that women are more generous with oral sex because we nurture by nature. We want to be pleasing by nature, that’s in our DNA, so I think that a lot of the behavior we’re looking for sexually, you might have to educate your partner. Sometimes, men just assume they’re going to get it and you need to be like, “Give me mine. Ladies first.”

Listen, I am gay, and I love penises and especially the penises of any significant others I may have. I am also a very busy person with an important life to lead and lots of plastic canvas crafts to do. I am all for keeping a relationship going (and mine has been, inexplicably, for seven years), but I don’t really think a clogged up throat once a day is the prescription to matrimonial bliss. Especially, as Uproxx’s Stacey Ritzen points out, if the blowjob has to come after your significant other has returned from a 5-mile bike ride. (I mean, I have to be real: My partner rides a bike regularly, and I just don’t think sweaty balls and lycra are just that sexy a combination?)

Here are some other things, that do not involve sucking dick every 24 hours as if your life depended on it, that might keep a relationship going:

Keeping a tidy home.
Respecting when your significant other is trying to take a nap and quietly leaving the room instead of loudly having a conversation in Spanish because you think someone not understanding the language is the same as them not hearing it.
Cleaning pets and their cages on a regular basis and not trying to pretend you did it the night before when it is clear that you just dumped more litter in the potty, Mark.
Shared hatreds of other people, places, things.
Not bringing home expensive gadgets without consulting the budget.
Farting around each other openly and with abandon.
Chipotle

Also, I’d argue that women are nurturers due to societal norms and that plenty of men are nurturers too and also OH MY GOD NIECY NASH WHY ARE YOU BOILING DOWN RELATIONSHIPS TO THIS “ME, TARZAN” bullshit? There’s no proof that men are simplistic and only like blow jobs and food. Some of us, Niecy Nash, also like video games and knitting. (And oral sex is fine too, grumble grumble.)