Nicole Richie Consumes Enough Pills To Sedate A Warring African Country, And Other "News" You Can Live Without

Illustration for article titled Nicole Richie Consumes Enough Pills To Sedate A Warring African Country, And Other News You Can Live Without

Welcome to Midweek Madness — our weekly gagazine fest with Intern Maria, who always wears cute outfits and makes us scared to leave the house looking like we do —in which we "read" the weekly tabloid magazines. So you don't "have" to.

In this edition of Midweek Madness, Us and Star duke it out as to who Shiloh resembles more. US says Angelina (page 57), Star says Brad (page 45), and we have to say we're a little on the fence! It's almost like, you know, she got a little DNA from both parents! In other news, the weight loss story is back! Our tally of the celeb stories — plus our pick for what to read in line while waiting for the diet drug you're totally tempted to buy — after the jump.

•Cover Story: "Angie's Down to 98 Pounds!" (pages 42-45). Star says that Angelina is still scary-skinny, having hot flashes and collapsing. Why? Because of her mother's death and her "punishing schedule". A cover story? Really? And this qualifies as "news" according to whom? The carrier pigeons who just delivered the Reader's Digest to Star's bureau in Bhutan?
•"Lindsay's Rehab Confessions" (pages 36-37). Star reports that some fellow rehabbers at Promises are spilling info from Lindsay's group-counseling sessions. The secrets: Lindsay has problems with men (no shit!) and uses alcohol as a means of coping with her own "social anxiety". Also: The staff at Promises worry that Lindsay might be bulimic, and Lindsay has told her mom Dina to put the brakes on her reported TV show before she ruins her other kids' lives.
On page 49, Star runs an "exclusive" on a woman's three-month affair with George Clooney that she described to the U.K.'s Daily Mirror. (Funny how we thought that fact sort of made it the Daily Mirror's exclusive!) Star takes a little liberty in clarifying the woman's story by making sure to add that she is an "exotic dancer": "We kissed and cuddled into the early hours, but he didn't make me feel like a[n exotic] dancer"
•Nicole Richie has popped around 73,000 pills (pages 40-41)! Star editors calculate this number by taking the word of an "insider" that she used to take 50 pills a day starting at age twenty, then multiplying that by six years, then subtracting two of those years because she went to rehab a bunch of times. The story also contains the following pull-quote from an "insider": "Since she was 20, Nicole has taken enough pills for an entire population." An entire population of, um, moderately relaxed people?
•New contender for the Celebrity Couple You Least Want To Imagine Fucking Award: Tommy Lee and Kimberley Stewart (page 19).


US Weekly (Otherwise known as the New Yorker of celeb weeklies!)
•Cover Story: Hollywood's Hot New Diet! (Pages 50-55) Have you heard? Jessica Simpson has slimmed down a bit. Her trainer plugs his new book The 5-Factor Diet. A bunch of other celebs lost weight too! The trick apparently is eating fewer calories and exercising! The story contains the sentence: "(Go to for book and delivery service details.)" Wow, US really knows how to put the "service" in "service journalism!"
•Kyra Sedgwick poses the question "What is really the difference between putting makeup on and having stuff shot up your face?" (Page 16). Well, Kyra, besides the needles, and the money, and the fact that you can't steal a little evening Botox from Sephora, we're totally drawing a blank!
•Jessica Biel has officially had enough fake-tan sessions to play Mariane Pearl in the sequel to A Mighty Heart. (Page 37)
•"Us Plays Ask the Shrink!" (Pages 68-71). US asks Dr. Drew Pinsky to analyze celebrity behavior. According to Dr. Drew, Britney and Kelly Clarkson are the craziest, the latter for stating in Elle magazine that she doesn't want to get married. We think Dr. Drew is kind of crazy for thinking anyone who grew up listening to Loveline isn't totally afraid of twentysomething dudes.

In Touch
•Cover Story: "Nicole's Bump Gets Bigger!" (Pages 40-43) InTouch still wants to believe that Nicole Richie is pregnant, saying that she is avoiding alcohol. Yeah, in much the same way we avoid alcohol!
Heroes star Hayden Panettiere's mom is trying to beat Dina Lohan in the department of Stage Moms Who Try Too Hard. (Page 17.) Seriously, who would mistake a woman wearing pantyhose for someone young enough to be Hayden's sister?
•Larry Birkhead moves into Anna Nicole Smith's house, classing up the joint with a leopard-print chair! (Page 45.)

Life & Style
•Cover Story: Wedding News! (Pages 40-42.) Can Life & Style find an excuse not to mentino The Hills' blondiful Heidi and Spencer? No they cannot! Also, the magazine's editors calm our fears that Jennifer Aniston might be rushing into things with her boyfriend of two-weeks, Paul Sculfor. Cause we were worried!
•Apparently Angelina Jolie wants to get married (pages 32-35) and Brad Pitt says that "his life began" the day he met her, thus creating a whole new barrage of stories for following week about how "Jen is hurt by Brad, again" and "Brad gives Jen the final message: it's over for good!"


Our pick: US! Though we sincerely hope Dr. Marc Siegel was not behind their estimate that John Mayer was once 225 pounds!

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Zanzibar Buck-Buck McFate

I like the way the exotic dancer comments on how much she liked that he was a gentleman as she spills the beans for more beans. Well she already does that for a living, so I guess you just is who you is.