Nicki Minaj Has Not Been Assaulted, Has Been Lying About Her Age

If you can’t trust hyper produced pop stars who always dress in outrageous costumes while singing songs about being the alpha female of the whole entire world, who can you trust? Nicki Minaj has been telling everyone that she was born in 1984, but according to data gathered from the police report filed after an incident Monday night, she was really born in 1982, making her an old, decrepit, wrinkly, dried up 28 years old rather than the young, sprightly, fecund 26 she’d have us believe. For shame, Nicki!

This isn’t the first time that Nicki’s age has been called into question, but it’s equally as confusing this time around as well. Why shave only two years off your age?

The squeaky rapress has also taken to Twitter to vehemently deny claims that the man involved in an altercation with her on that fateful evening assaulted her, Tweeting,

u believe a man either slapped or punched me in the face & didn’t leave on a stretcher w/his balls hangin off?

Point taken, Nicki. So now we’ve solved the Mystery of Minaj’s Real Age and the Curious Case of the Shoving and the Suitcase, but are we going to figure out if Nicki Minaj is actually real, or if she’s a figment of my imagination brought to life after experimenting with LSD and climbing into a washing machine full of Koosh balls and jewel bellied troll dolls? [Buzzfeed][Dallas Observer]

• Have Ryan Reynolds and Charlize Theron been secretly dating for months? But didn’t he just go on totally legitimate super sexxxy date with his ex, Scarlett Johansson? I feel like Ryan Reynolds is the Ritz Cracker of Hollywood boyfriends. You see a serving suggestion on the back of a box that shows a cracker slathered with Cheez Whiz, and your brain accepts it. You see, right next to the Cheez Whiz picture, an identical looking Ritz cracker covered with caviar and some sort of plant garnish. And your brain accepts that. Ryan Reynolds serving suggestions: try him with a little Alannis Morisette, or Charlize Theron. [ONTD]
• Halle Berry’s stalker has pled not guilty the stalking charges stemming from his attempts to enter the star’s home three times in three days. Maybe if he’d been in the Marines and asked Halle out via a Youtube video, he’d have had better luck.[RadarOnline]
• And speaking of stars whose well being is in danger, Joss Stone reflects fondly on the foiled plot to kidnap her, saying that it made her life “interesting.” Is there nothing in the world that can occur to make this woman un-chill? [Digital Spy]
• Lindsay Lohan is complaining that Natalie Portman’s role in Black Swan should have gone to her because she took ballet for a really long time. Also, Lindsay Lohan has spent the better part of her adult life acting as the physical embodiment of her own darkest impulses, so she would have been perfect for it. [OMG]
• And let’s not forget about Tara Reid! She’s still around, doing various things, like wearing cutoffs. [ONTD]
• Giuliana Rancic says she ate tons and tons of food when she was in Italy. I hope that in her carboriffic journey of self-discovery, she also remembered to both pray and love. [Digital Spy]
• It’s a sad day for white girls with bangs and feelings and the waifish men who love them: Rilo Kiley has broken up. [NYMag]
• Roberts Blossom,, aka the guy who played Old Man Marley in Home Alone, has gone to salt the sidewalks of heaven, where he will hopefully be befriended by a plucky Macauley Culkin type and be convinced to reunite with his estranged fictional son. [Digital Spy]
• Billy Ray Cyrus pays homage to the Native American leaders the founders of our nation murdered through the ancient sacred Native American tradition of getting faces tattooed on one’s forearms. He explained that he’s part Cherokee, so it’s okay. Billy Ray, getting people’s faces tattooed on your forearms is never okay. Tattooed faces always end up looking like horror movie versions of the people they’re supposed to depict. [Contact Music]
• Miranda Kerr named her son with Orlando Bloom after her dead ex boyfriend, and everyone was totally cool with this. [OMG]
• America’s Favorite Beard Renee Zellweger is rumored to be getting it on with John Stamos. Cloris Leachmann will not be pleased with this news. [Contact Music]
• There’s probably going to be an Engourage movie, says Adrian Grenier. Go there with someone who makes you yawn when you talk, or if you want to leave smelling like you hotboxed an Axe Body Spray factory. [OMG]
• Image via AP