Next Up: Tit Crystals 

Crystals are already one of those trends that we probably need to chill out on. They are expensive, they are not particularly sustainable, and I’m tired of everyone doing weird things just because Miranda Kerr says it is okay. Crystals attached to your bra, then, would seem like something we extra do not need, solving a problem that does not currently exist for me or anyone else I know. As Max & Vera founder Megan McCulloch put it in an interview with Vogue.com, “when I would get home, as soon as I unhinged my bra, they would fly across the room! And sometimes break.”

I can’t relate to that, sorry! I don’t really want a hard item crushed up against my fourth chakra; I also don’t want friends and neighbors asking me if I have a small growth on my chest. However, at this precise juncture in my life, I do happen to be burning half a palo santo stick every night and talking casually to my plants, so while I will not give in to the titty crystal, I can see how someone might. The world is a frightening place. Wear a rock on your boob, if you must.

“By wearing these stones near your heart chakra, you are open to LOVE more deeply & live from the heart,” the Max & Vera website reads. “Each crystal contains a different energy to promote health & balance.” They also sell dog collars with little crystals on them, for all my dog fans—rose quartz for “a strong vibration of unconditional love, joy & warmth”; aventurine to stimulate the metabolism; amethyst if your dog needs help “coming to terms with loss” or connecting “to one’s higher self.”

Next up, McCulloch told Vogue, is crystal underpants. I’ll circle back on that, if I’m being honest. Sounds interesting.