In honor of New Rules author/pothead/Friday night political rabblerouser Bill Maher (and the fact that Maher and his HBO late-night colleagues have gone on hiatus for the season), we've decided to present our own edicts, as seen through some of the more memorable items we came across (and blogged about) this week.

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  • People who get pregnant don't always have to have abortions.
  • Speaking of, indie film darlings need to stop accumulating hobbies already, and take up lactating or something. If anything, breast milk is great in South Asian cuisine!
  • Aspiring fame whores should all change their names to Vanessa. Because it's just the most prescient idea we have ever had.
  • New Rule for cosmetic surgery seekers: We hear the vagina is the first thing to show its age. Seth Rogen will totally pay.
  • People who actually still remember high school are not allowed to get married. (Or, for that matter, pregnant. Yeah so we contradict ourselves. We are large!)
  • More blondes need to take a break from dumbing down smart sperm to read a thesaurus.
  • All cheap clothes should be ugly. It's the only way to know you're getting a bargain.
  • Stop your sobbing. All of you.