New Meat Recall Threatening to Ruin Your Holiday Meat Party

Yauk’s Specialty Meats, a Colorado “meat firm” is recalling more than 90,000 pounds of meat products because they were produced “under unsanitary conditions, including rodent activity in the production, storage and retail areas of the property.”

No illnesses have yet been reported, and the FSIS report offers no specifics on what “activities” the rodents were doing in the meat (skateboarding, probably).

The tainted meats are as follows:

“Colorado Best Beef” brand various fresh, smoked and shelf-stable meat products.
“James Ranch” brand jerky and summer sausage.
“Rocky Plains Meats” brand hams, bacon, raw and smoked sausage, jerky and raw poultry.
“John Long Farms” brand fresh and smoked pork products.
“Horned Beef” brand jerky.
“Mile High Hungarian Sausage” brand fresh and smoked bacon and sausage.

Dude, seriously!? Horned Beef AND Mile High Hungarian Sausage!?!? At the same time? TELL ME, FSIS, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO EAT, THEN.