New 'Get Laid Haircut' Fixes Everything Wrong With You

Ladies: things are wrong. Things are wrong with me, and they’re wrong with you. Other (perfect) people don’t have things wrong, but we do, you and me. And if we fix the things that are wrong by purchasing products and services, the wrongness will sort of drift away and we’ll garner the admiration we so crave — or at least some mutual genital stimulation. Enter the Get Laid Haircut.

The Get Laid Haircut — or the GLH if you’re a text-happy millennial who can’t even be bothered to spell out actual full words — is the invention of NYC stylist Mischa G, who charges $110 for the coiffure. The New York Post breathlessly reports that Mischa’s magic hands have given tens and tens of people the confidence they need to meet a person who will take their pants off and do sex to them. The paper even includes anecdata from a few of Mischa’s satisfied clients, and provided photo evidence that following their (to be fair, across-the-board cute) haircuts, all of them went out on the town and threw their heads back and laughed fabulously while crossing their legs on barstools like stock photo models in an ad for a pre construction condo building. Hard to argue with that.

Fine, I thought, I’ll bite. Maybe there is indeed a haircut that gives its recipient such a shot of indomitable confidence that they radiate sex appeal for days afterward. But the truth of the Get Laid Haircut is that it’s not even one specific haircut; it’s just a way the stylist markets herself as a Fixer Of Problems. It’s different for everybody. Like the fit of clothing from ModCloth, or doing shrooms before going to a haunted house for the first time (I mean you’ll cry, but it could be for a whole host of reasons).

As long as we’re claiming that a haircut from a specific person can magically get you laid, I’ve got some ideas for other beauty procedures that should elicit the responses from other people you’ve been craving:

the “mom respects your career choices” manicure
the “quit being talked over by male colleagues in meetings” bikini wax
the “dad acknowledges that when you were a child, he was emotionally distant and while he can’t fix it now, he can do his best to be there for you moving forward” lip bleach
the “stop catcalling forever” armpit hair extension

Come on, aestheticians! Together we can fix all the things wrong with us, and then and only then will we be worthy of love.