Well, some loony state senator in Nebraska sure took the wind out of my sails tonight and fucking sued God. Why didn't I think of that? His lawsuit, seeking an injunction commanding God to cease abusing his omniscient power by launching terrorist attacks and melting our ice caps, reminded us there are a million things to be thankful for despite that Higher Power thing, such as: Nebraska state senators and a million other forces undermining God every step of the way. It is them we can thank for the fact that O.J. may spend life in prison, that Britney didn't lose her kids after all, and the farmers who harvest our nicotine are finally making money again despite the horrible injustice of being stripped of their government subsidies. Ben Bernanke mercifully cut interest rates by half a percent, which people who are not too insolvent to borrow money can be thankful for. You "green" types can rejoice in the news that clothesline activist groups are fighting for the rights of environmentalists living in gated communities where their neighbors think doing laundry without emitting greenhouse gases is tacky.
And politicos can take heart in the knowledge that yet another loyal White House cover-up artist, this time in the State Department, has been called out for wrongful censorship and neglecting to investigate the shady no-bid contracts that have come to define the Bush Administration "brand." The poors will be happy to know that Barack Obama would like to cut their taxes, and our troops who survive Iraq can feel better tonight knowing Elizabeth Taylor's ex-husband thinks they deserve a little more time annoying their spouses with their Post Traumatic Stress whatnot before they're shipped out to Iran.