National Enquirer: Ted Cruz's Family Probably Helped Assassinate JFK

Illustration for article titled National Enquirer: Ted Cruz's Family Probably Helped Assassinate JFK

Is there a more anti-American rumor you could start about a presidential candidate???


The National Enquirer, our paper of record, is so committed to smearing Ted Cruz’s gelatinous name that they’ve miraculously one-upped their former claim that he had had affairs with five politically-adjacent women. Now, they’re insisting that his father used to be buddies with Lee Harvey Oswald, the man who shot President John F. Kennedy.

“The Enquirer has the disturbing photographic evidence that was buried in secret U.S. government filed, with Rafael Cruz, now 77, palling around with the man who murdered America’s 35th president!” the press release for the issue reads—before clarifying that the “bombshell evidence” is a photo of Oswald with a guy who could be and probably is Cruz the elder, according to DC insiders.

“The investigation into the mystery man who might very well be Rafael Cruz provides a potentially chilling look at the family history of the Republican presidential candidate,” the Enquirer writes.

That is some world class hedging. With that kind of hedging you could basically report anything. Like Jezebel, for instance, could say, based on a photo of literally anything, that we had obtained footage of a swamp beast that could very well be Ted Cruz crawling into a Louisiana town and indiscriminately stealing baby shoes.

Also, although nobody loves a good Ted smear more than I do, let’s remember that the National Enquirer is one of Trump’s pravda organizations and, even for that, it is a stinky pile of garb.


Disclaimer over. How crazy it is that the Cruz family is basically responsible for JFK’s assassination??? Raise your hand if you knew it.

Image via Getty.

Senior Editor, Jezebel



Wait does this mean we can make a thread of made up facts about our political candidates? I'll start: Donald Trump once tried to buy Disney World by presenting Mickey Mouse with a check that just said "Enough money to afford this" and when Mickey Mouse denied the check he punched him in the face.