NASA Chooses Four New Lady Astronauts to Menstruate in Outer Space

JUST KIDDING I’M OBVIOUSLY JUST KIDDING. Although I’m sure there’s some dumb dude in some backyard somewhere meat-chortling about zomg what happens when they all get their periods in null gravity and their synced-up cycles pull all of Jupiter’s moons out of whack you can’t drive a spaceship when there’s melted Dove Promises all over the controls #womyn #thanksobama. Man, eff that dumb guy.

But hooray for meritorious women making strides in traditionally male-dominated fields! Wooo! The female astronauts, like their male counterparts, were selected (out of more than 6,000 applicants) for their science brains, space knowledge, mightiness, mechanical skillz, ability to hold in vomit, bravery in the face of inconceivable gelatinous worms, and being really good at floating. I am very, very proud of them.

Among the lucky candidates: the first female fighter pilot to become an astronaut in nearly two decades. A female helicopter pilot also is in the group. In fact, four of the eight are women, the highest percentage of female astronaut candidates ever selected by NASA.

Monday’s announcement came on the eve of the 30th anniversary of the launch of the first American woman in space, Sally Ride. She died last summer.

The eight — all in their 30s—were chosen from more than 6,000 applications received early last year, the second largest number ever received. They will report for duty in August at Johnson Space Center in Houston and join 49 astronauts currently at NASA. The number has dwindled ever since the space shuttles stopped flying in 2011. Many astronauts quit rather than get in a lengthy line for relatively few slots for long-term missions aboard the International Space Station.

FUCK YEAH LADY ASTRONAUTS.

But all of this raises a much more important questions: Why am I hearing about things like “NASA picks eight new astronauts” NOT in the form of a televised weekly call-in contest show? OMG, they could call it Star Search: LITERALLY! Copyrighted. Send me a million bucks, Hollywood.