Naked Butlers Will Add Much-Needed Awkward Nudity to Your Next Social Gathering

A South Florida service offers the perfect accessory to complete your evening of shrieking and blowing penis-shaped whistles at strangers- naked butlers.

Like The Weakest Link and American Idol, this sort of annoying idea was imported from the UK. Instead of Simon Cowell, the woman responsible for launching the idea stateside is a transplant who enjoyed the presence of naked butler’s at her best friend’s nuptials.

Even though the name of the business- “Butlers in the Buff”- implies that they’re servers clad in birthday suits, they’re not totally naked; they’re outfitted in a bowtie, cuffs, and strategically placed aprons that prevent awkward genital/food proximity, as the idea of balls hanging out near the hors d’œuvres, just swinging there all scrotal, is likely unappetizing to all but the most dedicated tea bagging enthusiasts.

The men are screened based on both looks and personality, according to Alexandra Jones the enterprise’s owner.

“We were looking for guys who are both great looking and with a great personality,” said Jones, a mother of two young children. “They come from all walks of life: students, golf professionals, paramedics, restaurant service, electricians. Most of them end up saying to me, ‘I can’t believe you pay me to do this.'”

Men who carry trays around with their asses waving in the breeze claim they enjoy the work,

“You make the party,” said Billy Kiraly, a 21-year-old who’s been with the company almost a year now. “You are the entertainment. I love going out there and talking to people. You really need a personality because without it you’re just a waiter with your butt hanging out.

The Boynton Beach resident is a senior at Florida Atlantic University majoring in accounting and says the biggest request -believe it or not – is for photographs. “Everyone wants a picture with the butler. You take so many pictures.”

I hate to be a judgmental, overreacting jerk here, but if one of my friends either ordered a naked butler for my future theoretical bachelorette party, I turn green and swell to a gigantic size before storming out of the place and smashing a bunch of cars with my bitterly disappointed fists.

Consenting grown ups should be able to do whatever they want with their bodies, and I’d never advocate for this to be an illegal practice, but I would advocate that it be declared Officially Obnoxious by the federal government. Because I’m accustomed to the entire world deciding that things that I hate are awesome, I predict that “LET’S GET A NAKED MALE BUTLER!” will quickly become the new “LET’S GO TO A GAY BAR AND BE REALLY LOUD AND OBNOXIOUS.” Or the new “LET’S HIRE A PARTY TROLLEY TO DRIVE US AROUND AND GO WOOOO AT PEOPLE OUT THE WINDOWS!” Do not want.

The only time that scantily clad bowtie wearing men with trays of drinks is acceptable is if it’s occurring in the context of that Patrick Swayze Chippendale skit on Saturday Night Live or if it’s the subject of one of Miss Piggy’s fantasy musical numbers in the new Muppet movie.

Butlers in the Buff Bare Almost All as Franchise Expands into South Florida [Sun Sentinel]

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