Whattup, it’s me, Space Garbage. What’s going on this weekend? Where’s the party? I’m down for anything. My only real plans are smashing into the Earth at 15,660 MPH. You all want in?

Yeah, it’s pretty fast, but I’ll most likely be landing in Jersey, and you know that’s where you want to be on Saturday night! And I’m gonna hit it hard, friends. Space.com says the atmosphere is probably going to mess me up, but honestly, that’s just how I pre-game. You know my rep: when Tiangong-1 comes down to Earth, I come ready. By ready, I mean broken up into pieces so I can scatter along an estimated surface of 1,240 miles long by 43 miles wide. You gotta hit some sort of rager when you’re covering that much ground.

Think that sounds unsafe? Actually, it’s totally chill; the odds of my actually hitting someone is like, “10 million times smaller than the annual odds of being struck by lightning.” Sort of like the odds of you getting laid OOOOHHHHHHHHHHH.

But I am coming in pretty hot. Astrophysicist Jonathan McDowell says be cautious and “don’t handle the debris” and that people should stay away and report me to “local emergency services.” It’s like Lenny’s bachelor party all over again.


Anyway, if there’s something going on, invite me, I’m in town. Next week, NASA will be fulfilling their obligations under the Return of Astronauts and the Return of Objects Launched into Outer Space rules, and sending any pieces of me back to China. I’d really like them to find me at the club, or the casino, or like a sweet jacuzz, throwing back some brewskis. It’s the freaking weekend!

Seriously. I hate when we make big plans and don’t follow through.