My Liberal Heart Bleeds For Your Portable Massage Needs, Texas!

Illustration for article titled My Liberal Heart Bleeds For Your Portable Massage Needs, Texas!

Hey, what's that saying about sex and politics? You know, it's weird or something? Like Rudy and Judi. The rhyming names thing doesn't even make the list! Or Dennis and Liz. The Hobbit love thing doesn't even register! Matalin and Carville...OMG don't GO there! Sure, sometimes it gets so weird it all comes back around to appropriateland. This election pits outed fag hag Ann Coulter and her new hard-on for Hillary against Barack Obama's latest gay Newt Gingrich. Newt Gingrich, who was fucking around on the wife for whom he left his first saintly dying cancer-stricken wife with some blond chick the whole time he was leading Clinton's impeachment battle! Newt Gingrich, new BFF of the environment... Anyway, so it makes sense that the morning's art is brought to you by the Republican Party, which made these clever Barack Obama e-Valentines employing popular Clinton team talking points. Welcome to the worst day of the year. Come on in, rejoice in your constitutional right to own a vibrating massage wand and reminisce fondly with me and (also single!) Megan about your very first political sex scandal. Mine was Donna Rice! Didja know she's a Jesus prude activist now? Here's a link to the Starr Report.


MEGAN: i am sooooo sorry
MEGAN: there's also a taxi strike today. i actually wonder if they are blocking bridges
MOE: Happy Valentine's Day!
It's cool Jane Fonda said "cunt" on the Today Show! That bought us some extra time.
But not that much!
MEGAN: Whoa!
MOE: Anyway I decided that today we were going to do it free-association style
just for Valentine's Day.
No real agenda.
MEGAN: Someone this morning sent me an old link of Shepard SMith saying "blow job" on air, but yours is better.
MOE: Just some riffin on the whole politics makes strange fuckbuddies or whatever.
What's that sayign?
MEGAN: "Bedfellows," because Washington is so gay.
MOE: Airport bathrooms for the gays!
Srsly though I was just jokin.
I used to have this editor at my college paper.
Yochi Dreazen.
He was also my housemate for awhile.
But that's another story.
MEGAN: Aw, they should totally be decorated. Senators need love too.
MOE: Anyway Yochi Dreazen, whose full name "Yochanan" means Gift From God apparently, was allllways using those dumb little aphorisms as his story ledes. And it annoyed me. He was obsessed w. the strange bedfellows line. Now he works at the Wall Street Journal. I hope he is well! Shout out Yochi if you're listening! That story on the soldiers keeping the underground railroad of stray dogs in Iraq was a Tjerker for reals! Anyway.
Oh yes they do. Shout out to our troops! I sure hope they tell those kids in training camp that if there's one thing that will make their lives easier upon return from the warzone — besides Ecstasy — it's getting their wives and girlfriends really expensive vibrators before they leave.
But back to Valentine's Day!
Do you have plans?
MEGAN: Which is now your constitutional right! (Except in Mississippi).
MOE: Jesus Motherfucking love of Christ.
MEGAN: Um, well, my initial plan was to watch Resident Evil:Apocalypse with a bottle of red wine. But, now I'm meeting a friend of mine for wine first, in a place where they serve wine but not dinner in the hopes that DC women demand dinner on Valentines Day.
MOE: I didn't know Texas had a sex toy ban.
MEGAN: Texas and Alabama, and Mississippi.
Also, in Texas, the law said not only that the sale of them was illegal, but ALSO the gifting or sharing of them was. What the fuck goes on in the Texas legislature that they felt the need to regulate the sharing of sex toys?
MOE: Who fucking passes something like that? Nevermind. That's just insane. INSANE. I guess we should go look up the proceedings. I'm mad. And today is all about love. I wanted to talk to you about your all time fave Capitol Hill couplings! But first I suppose I should get the news out of the way: some Hezbollah guy was killed and waterboarding is illegal so no more of your crazy pranks, John McCain doesn't believe in earmarks, and...more hand-wringing about Hillary.
Oh yes and Larry Craig acted improperly.
MEGAN: I have a mark on my ear from an ill-considered piercing!
MOE: But he acted improperly in the name of love!
Or sex.
MEGAN: Yes, but not by trying to get some anonymous gay ass! Just by trying to withdraw his guilty plea. I love moral relativism.
The sex thingie was fine, it was everything he did after taking responsibility for his creepy actions that they had issues with.
[Side note: if you're curious, I have links to the relevant sex toy case documents here, but the link is very NSFW.]
MOE: Good to know so I can stab myself later. Can we talk about sex in Washington for a sec?
MEGAN: Yes! I'd like to have some sometime soon.
Or, do you mean cute couples?
MOE: Whatev! How do we feel about Jenna and Henry?
MEGAN: I think she's cute. He doesn't do anything for me, but he must really love her to have put up with Laura calling him not a serious boyfriend back in the day and all the picture-taking pressure and stuff.



It's illegal to buy sex toys in MS, but not illegal to own them. I think. Or maybe that's just what I told myself so I could pretend like I wasn't breaking the law...Oh well. Fuck the law!