Mountain Dew Is Making a Breakfast Drink Because Human Beings Are Disgusting

Illustration for article titled Mountain Dew Is Making a Breakfast Drink Because Human Beings Are Disgusting

PepsiCo Inc. has just announced the February release of a new Mountain Dew-flavored morning drink called Kickstart, which, while it may sound revolting to most adults, is great news for 18-year-old boys with epically early morning econ lectures everywhere.


According to Simon Lowden, the chief marketing officer for PepsiCo's Americas beverages, market research found that Mountain Dew drinkers weren't finding what they wanted in morning drinks like tea or coffee because neither beverage tastes enough like lemon-y pee water. "They didn't really see anything that fit their needs," Lowden said.

Coming in flavors like "energizing orange citrus" and "energizing fruit punch," Kickstart will be a whopping 5% juice and include Vitamins A and B, as well as additional caffeine. The company is not marketing it as an energy drink, however, and, despite coming in a giant 16-ounce can, the drink will actually only have about 92 milligrams of caffeine (a 16-ounce cup of coffee as about 330 milligrams).


AMERICA'S COLLEGE STUDENTS: There is a kid on your floor selling Adderall. Forget this gross drink and try getting in on that party instead.

Mountain Dew Introduces a Breakfast Drink [NYT]

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Don't get me wrong, there are junk food things I enjoy despite knowing how awful they are for me. Every once in a while I get an insatiable craving for a bowl of Kraft Dinner, and the same goes for Panda Express. (Though that I can at least track back to the very first time I ever got phenomenally drunk in Las Vegas and my husband lead me by the hand to a booth in a Panda Express and brought me orange chicken and noodles I dazedly consumed at three in the morning. It might have brought me back from oblivion.) But I just can't do Mountain Dew. I can't. My husband loves it, but for me it's like drinking liquefied sugar in ways beyond your typical soda. You couldn't put enough vitamins in the world to get me to have that. I'll stick to my adult gummies, thanks.